During the Off Season
by camoozle
Summary: Five EPOV outtakes from For the Summer written for Fandom Gives Back.
1. 1991

**1991 - That was the year the Bulls won the Championship**

...

"It's Angela again," James says as he packs another ding dong into his mouth. "What are we going with? Dead Poet's Society? Revenge of the Nerds? Ghost?"

I look up from my book, my pen poised at my lips and on my tongue. Angela. The artist. Yeah, she was pretty. Smart too. Not comparatively but still, she could be fun.

"Ghost," I mumble. He nods and I turn back to my notebook.

"You just missed him. But he told me to give you a message. He said to meet him down by the bookstore in a half hour. He'll be waiting for you. Yeah...uh huh. Ditto, babe. Ditto." James hangs up and knocks his glass bong over, his pot water spilling all over the coffee table and consequently, my journal.

"What the fuck, dude!" I roar and wipe the water from my book. Shit, my words. All my fucking words are ruined. I flip through the pages and they're damp but not soaked and now the whole book smells like weed.

"It's not my fault you leave your diary hanging around, fuck it was an accident."

"There's no such thing as accidents," I murmur and James just laughs. He's such an asshole.

I walk into our bathroom, and it smells like mildew. I hate this dorm. I hate this school, I hate my classes. I hate the people in my classes. Hollow, self righteous assholes, that's all I've ever known. I highly doubt this Angela will be any different.

Bella's different.

Chocolate. The girl is all chocolate. From the thick rope of brown hair hanging down her back to her tan honey skin dotted with freckles and she glows. Yeah, I know, maybe it's sweat, but still, it's hot.

Her eyes suck me in. I forget who I am in those eyes. I forget what I'm supposed to say, I forget my best jokes, the ones that I know are fucking hilarious. I forget all the shit I know that's impressive. They're alien, knowing eyes. I hate the way they penetrate and make me feel like I'm something. And in the next glance, I'm nothing. But I love the way she sees me.

It doesn't matter. Alice said she's in love. She's moved on and I should too. She's dating someone else, someone from the river, someone like her.

I'm like her.

When I'm there, in that hot desert, surrounded by nothing but dirt and rocks and water, I'm different. I forget myself. Or I find myself. I want to feel her. I want to taste her. I want to hold her in my arms like I can protect her from all the shit this world is really made up of. I don't fucking know. All I know is she's dating someone else and I'm lonely. And Angela has brown eyes. Not the same, but pretty.

Angela starts hanging out at the dorm every Thursday, because that's the day Law and Order is on. She pretends she's a fan, but I don't think she's really into it. She's really into me though. She wants me. She shares an apartment with her best friend. She talks about him like the sun shines out of his ass. Angela should be with him. She's a sweet girl. She's funny and smart and knows a lot about music and movies and art. She's a big fan of Andy Warhol, thinks he's a genius or something. I don't see it. I think he's overrated and when I tell her we have the biggest argument but she doesn't give in. She's stubborn.

Just like Bella.

But Bella's a challenge, a riddle, a puzzle I can't figure out and it drives me fucking insane. In a few short months I'll be watching her eat ice cream, her lips smeared with chocolate cookie and cream. I don't even really like rainbow sherbet but I like watching her lick her fingers. She has to be doing that shit on purpose, right? I would think so, if I didn't know her.

After three dates, I think I'm going to seal the deal with this chick. Angela's obviously into me. She lets me feel her up and she doesn't wear a bra, ever. She smokes weed and walks around in the grass barefoot and it's incredibly sexy how she doesn't think about being something she's not, she just is. I can't deny it, I want to fuck her.

But then she does something that ruins the chances of us hooking up. Ever.

She eats ice cream. A sandwich. Just like Bella. And she licks her fingers and all I can see are those brown eyes and those lips closing over the chocolate mess. She offers me a bite and licks her lips, trying to be seductive and I can't look at her. It's so fake, not at all the way Bella does it and I'm angry. I feel like shit, and I wonder what Bella's doing right now, if she's off fucking her douchebag boyfriend or if she's moved on to someone new. I feel like my skin is stretched tight around my bones, like it's suffocating and starving and restricting my will to live. My nails dig into my palms, my head pounds and I have to excuse myself before I draw blood.

I can't believe I've let this girl get to me like this. I can't believe I'm completely pussy whipped by a chick I've never even slept with. It's fucking insanity, the hold Bella Swan has on me.

Angela sticks around even though we never fuck. Oh, she tries, but I just can't do it. She wears sexy shit when she sleeps over and we mess around. We go on weekend trips and I think she loves me or something but I don't love her. So, I tell her that I'm not ready, that I want it to be special. The truth is, I don't want to hurt her feelings. Yeah, I know, I care about Angela's feelings. Fucking messed up shit, if you ask me.

This whole situation is fucking messed up shit.

When I get home from my last Final, Angela's waiting for me on the couch. She's watching Judge Judy and she and James are high and talking about the destruction of the American family system. They're shouting at each other and she's irate. She looks amazing when she's pissed so I ask her out to dinner to celebrate the end of the semester. I'm meeting Jasper and Alice at this brewery place right off campus.

Alice and Jasper are already at a table when we walk in. Alice looks at me and there's judgment in her eyes. I try to ignore it because I don't think she does it on purpose but we've talked about my obsession with Bella. Yeah, I'm calling it an obsession now. Alice thinks I should pursue it.

I don't know how.

Bella is so much more to me than, well, than Angela. I've never had a real girlfriend before. I've dated girls, I've fucked girls, but I've never had love. I know I'd want to love Bella. And that scares the living shit out of me.

Angela is easy to be with. She makes me feel wanted. She does all the work. She shows up, she kisses me and takes her shirt off. She's too skinny though. Not like Bella. Bella is all curves, her hips roll and her breasts are full and I love the way she looks in her cutoff shorts. Cute little ass too. Her face is full and her shoulders round and there's a slight splay of freckles all along her back. Angela's shoulders are pointy and sharp. And her hip bones jut out and make her look sickly. Girl needs to eat.

"Hey, guys!" Alice says and she gives me a hug. She wraps her arms around my neck and she's curious. I can feel it.

"This is Angela. She's an art major, ceramics." Like it defines her. She sees the title as a status symbol. Her clothes, her shoes, her music, her art, it's who she is. If you don't agree with these things, you may as well slap her across the face. I'm not sure how I feel about this, seeing as how she laughed when I said Tears for Fears is the greatest band of all time. I'm chalking it up to lack of exposure. For now.

"Angela, nice to meet you. I'm Alice, this is Jasper." Alice is polite and Jasper shakes her hand.

"So you're an artist?" Jasper asks and she nods.

"Yeah. It's a self-indulgent major really. I'll probably just end up teaching or something. But I live and breathe art. It's who I am. I'd be lost if I didn't have my pottery." See? Told you.

"She makes pots. And bowls." She'd be lost without her clay pots and bowls. It seems so incredibly esoteric, to have your whole being embodied in a dish. I mean, people eat cereal out of bowls. I wouldn't want my whole life encompassed in a device that holds my Lucky Charms. I think there's a metaphor there somewhere.

"Wow," Alice coos and I think she's being condescending on purpose. Angela just shrugs and laughs.

"I know it's lame but it's what I love. I don't believe in settling for anything less than what gives me extreme happiness." Her brown eyes are on mine and I feel like a king. Even though they're the wrong brown eyes. All wrong.

"That is really fucking cool," Alice says approvingly and she's serious. She likes Angela. They're going to bond and shit. Fuck.

We order pizza. Angela's a vegetarian and orders eggplant on hers and Alice is intrigued. Angela doesn't flinch when Alice asks for a bite and I think that's kind of cool she's sharing her food. I totally dig people who share their food.

Alice and Angela talk about girl stuff and I almost forget about the brown eyes and the chocolate lips but then all hell breaks loose. Jasper brings up summer vacation and Alice squeals and starts talking up the river, how we go every year, how it's beautiful and peaceful because it's just a small town without cable television. Angela's questions get more and more personal as the discussion progresses and I just know it's a matter of time before someone mentions her name.

"How did you guys find out about this place?" Angela asks and I answer in an attempt to control the conversation.

"My old stepmom used to vacation there when she was a kid. It's a family owned place." Fuck, I just brought her up, didn't I? God, I am an idiot.

"Wow, the same family?" Angela asks as she sips her diet coke. I nod silently and hoping like hell Alice just keeps her mouth shut.

Yeah, I must be delusional.

"We're really good friends with the family. Rose, my sister, is dating the owner's son, actually. It's like a fairy tale, right? They fall in love and have to live miles and miles apart. He writes her letters, it's very romantic." She kicks me under the table. She thinks I should write Bella letters.

It's a two way street man. I get that the money thing prevents her from calling, but shit, she could write too. Why should I do all the chasing? I have made it abundantly clear that I'm interested and she constantly pushes me away. How many times do I let her push me away before I give up? And now she has a boyfriend and according to Emmett, he's a complete tool. I'm done pining for this girl. I decide right there in that moment, I'm going to try to be with Angela.

Like _with_ her.

"Well, it's easy to get swept away in the beauty of it all. It just makes you want to fall in love, being out there in the middle of nowhere with nothing but your swimsuit and your thoughts. It's an artist's dream," Alice muses and I glare at her.

"Really? I would love to see it!" Angela looks at me astonished, as if she wants my opinion on the matter.

"Yeah, you should see the stars out there. It's like nothing I've ever seen before," I say and Angela's eyes flutter and smolder.

"I think I will," she says and the look on her face is pure elation. What just happened here? I try to control the muscles of my face and yet I can't stop my eyes from jumping from Alice's to Jasper's and I realize in horror what this all means.

I just invited Angela to the river with us. Where Bella is. Angela is going to meet Bella.

On the way home, Angela is quiet. I keep looking at her and smiling but when I look away, I feel sick. When we get to my dorm, she walks silently up to my room and we collapse on the couch. I don't want to look at her.

"So what's wrong with you?" she asks and I almost laugh. There are so many things, I don't even know where to start. Um, I'm an asshole, I'm obsessed with this other girl. I masturbate to her eating ice cream. What's right with me would be a far quicker assessment.

"Nothing," I say, because I'm a dick and don't feel like talking about this.

"Right," she says and her face is crushed. "Look, I don't have to come along with you guys. I thought it would be fun, but I obviously misread your intentions, so if you don't want me there, just say so."

Enough is enough. I am hurting this girl and she hasn't done a damn thing to deserve it. Bella is going to be pissed, but she had her chance. Last summer, she could have claimed me. All she had to do was say the words and I would have been hers. I would have made it work.

But she didn't and now I deserve to be happy. There's nothing wrong with me bringing my girlfriend on vacation with me, lots of people do it.

"I want you to come," I say definitively. "But I have to tell you something first."

...

"Babe, are you gonna smoke?" Angela's brown eyes are pretty. Not the same but still pretty. I guess. She hands me the pipe and lighter and I drive with my knees.

The road is long and flat and straight. Not much to look at in the middle of the desert but everything I see is chocolate. Heat. Golds and Browns. Melted and fucking delicious. God, I can still taste her. I haven't laid my lips on hers for like three years. Not that I'm counting or anything. She's going to hate me. She's going to be so fucking pissed. That girl is all balls, tough like Calculus. She might hit me. I love it when she does that shit, she's got the perfect little right hook. Her face scrunches up and her eyes look like almonds and I love it that I make her feel such anger. I love it that I make her feel anything.

That's the thing about Bella Swan, I know everything about her. And I know nothing at all. I know a lot of shit too. I know how to port and polish a cylinder head and break down an engine. I know every single player of the starting line-up for the Chicago Bulls from the last seven years and all their stats. I know that it takes nineteen hours to drive from Seattle to Arizona. Nineteen hours and I'll be driving that shit-tastic road into the marina, my jaw clenched at the thought of what that uneven pavement is doing to my tires. Driving right into those damn doe eyes. She'll be waiting for me, I know it. She's always waiting for me.

"Babe?" Dammit. I need to pay attention. I try to smile at Angela and bring the glass to my lips. With a flick of the lighter I inhale and let the smoke in and it's rank. Where the fuck did she get this shit? I hand it behind me and Alice is at my ear.

"Relax. Everything's going to be fine," she whispers confidently, like she's psychic or something and I just glare at her from the rear view mirror. She sticks her lips to the pipe and there's a flame in her face but I can still see her clear blue eyes. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but she needs to shut her mouth in present company. I told Angela all about Bella, how we fooled around a couple times when we were younger and how we're really good friends. I didn't tell her about how I've cried in front of this girl more times than I'd like to admit. I don't tell her how Bella makes me feel full, like I can't possibly allow anything else into my body when she's around and even the air feels too heavy in my chest. I don't tell her how all year long I'm plagued by dreams, dreams where she's licking my neck, and I wake up and have to rub one out and all I see is her face. I don't tell her about the poems and I definitely don't tell her about the energy that surges between us.

I don't know what I'm doing. This is so wrong.

"God, I need to get out of this car," Alice gripes from the backseat and Jasper leans between the front seats and puts a new CD in my portable player on the center console.

"Duran Duran again?" Angela scoffs. "Really?"

"They're timeless, honey," Jasper retorts and settles back into his seat. Angela lights a cigarette and I scowl. I fucking hate cigarettes. Such a disgusting habit. What's the point, really? If you're going to smoke, you may as well get some brain altering side effects.

"We're stopping in Reno, to sleep," I say and roll down the window. Angela makes sure to exhale out the window but then Alice starts smoking from the back seat and I can't take it anymore. She knows I can't stand that shit in my car.

"Alice, what the fuck?" I say and she rolls her eyes and sticks the cigarette out Angela's window. Which is such a waste. The wind is going to dispose of that cigarette before she can.

We pull into the hotel, the same hotel we stay in every year and this year I have to share a room with Alice and Jasper. Better than Rose and my parents, I guess. We're just here to crash and we eat dinner at the Denny's across the street. I order an omelet for dinner. I love breakfast for dinner. There's just something about eating eggs in the evening.

We head back to the rooms and I'm exhausted. I've been driving all day and not one of those jerks in my car offered to switch off with me. Not like I'd be at ease with them driving my car anyway. But still, the gesture would have been nice.

Angela cuddles up to me and as soon as Jasper and Alice are passed out, she's pulling down my pants. I'm a little creeped out by this. I mean, they're right there in the bed next to us but then my dick's in her mouth and I forget to care. That's a universal law, right? Never say no to head. I think the universe might implode if I do. But fuck me running, if I don't see that thick rope of brown hair and those big doe eyes as soon as I close mine. I see another mouth wrapped around me and I come and it's good but I'm disappointed as soon as I see Angela's eager face.

I am such a prick.

I try to make it up to her, I finger fuck her until she's clenching around my hand but I know what she wants. I see the sadness in her face and still, I can't give it to her.

We head out early the next morning. Nine more hours. Jasper offers to drive for a while and I let him. I ride shotgun and the girls spread out in the back and read magazines. Angela reaches around the seat and massages my shoulders and it feels good. I check the outside temperature by leaning my arm against the window and it's hot. It's well over a hundred degrees. It's gonna be miserable at the river. I don't know what I was thinking getting Bella a sweatshirt last year. The Bulls won the Finals this year and as soon as it happened, I wanted to get Bella something to commemorate it. I found her a tank top at this open air market downtown and it's cheap as hell, but I know she'll love it. Bella always loves my presents.

We stop at a gas station a couple hours out of Vegas and I resume driving responsibilities. Angela sits up front and she breaks out her pipe again. I think she's nervous. She said she couldn't wait to meet Bella and that she's sure she will love her because she adores me. She hardly knows me.

But _Bella_ does.

So I hit that pipe like it's the last bowl I'm ever gonna smoke and that this weed will give me super powers, like fucking X-men and I spend the rest of car ride wishing I could shoot lasers from my eyes and that my skin would turn into metal armor. Protection. I'm looking for protection.

When we pull into the marina, I don't see Bella. I help Esme and my dad unload the car and Angela is bringing in our stuff and setting it in the bedroom that is mine. Alice and Jasper elect to sleep in the living room because Emmett's probably going to be sneaking in to fuck Rose every night we're here.

I grab the bag of smushed up sandwiches leftover from our road trip lunch and I'm about to show Angela the gluttonous carp that swarm under the bridge when there's a tap at the door. Rose is on the porch in an instant. I watch her hug Emmett, and it's something special, the way she wraps around him and he just basks in the worshiping. And then I see Bella and she's wearing those cutoff jean shorts and I can see the green ties of her bikini top sticking out of her tank. I can't help it, my protective covering melts away and I'm exposed and grinning like a fucking idiot. Alice gets to her first but then it's my turn and I lift her up and I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, and I forget about Angela.

"I missed you," I say and she's glancing behind me and I let her go. Fuck, I guess introductions are needed.

"Um, Bella, this is Angela," I say and Angela is hugging Bella, like I just did. Bella's face is pure mortification and I want to laugh. I love it when she gets all embarrassed.

"I've heard so much about you! The infamous Bella," Angela says and I'm just trying not to snort at how uncomfortable this situation is. Bella looks at me, even though Angela's the one speaking to her and I just smile.

"Angela goes to school with me. She's an art major, Bella." I'm trying to act natural, like this is totally cool and Bella is like ice. She's hardly cracked a smile and I think she's pissed. My ego is stoked.

"Edward tells me you're a photographer?" Angela asks. It sounds like all I do is talk about Bella when I'm at home. Damn, Angela, be cool!

"Not really, I just mess around," Bella says and I frown.

"No, she doesn't. She's really good. Bella, you have to show her your dam pictures," I protest but she just snorts. She is so frustrating, the way she acts like she's no big deal. Her pictures are art, some of the most beautiful work I've ever seen, and she's not even trying.

"Yeah, Bella, you'll have to show me your dam pictures. I'm sure your dam pictures are great." Angela's laughing and it isn't until Bella interjects that I fully understand what they're laughing at.

"Yeah, my dam pictures are some of my best dam work." Bella's smiling. She's radiant but I just roll my eyes and laugh at my slip. This is comfortable. Too comfortable. Too easy. I'm urging my protective layer to crawl back over my skin.

"I was just going to show Angela the docks," I say. "I'm going to take some bread down there and feed the fish."

"Those fish are so gross," Bella mumbles and I grin, because I can see her, a fierce spitfire shoving a bag of bread in my chest with the purest look of superiority embedded in her fine features.

"You know the first time I met Bella, she threw a bag of bread at me," I tease and then I ache. "And then, later that summer she punched me in the gut."

"You said my hair looked like a deflector shield!" She scoffs and looks offended. She always looks offended. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Yeah, well, you love me now, so it's all good," I say and I see it, a slight twitch in her grin, the very slightest of downcast eyes. I'm disgusted with myself, how one twitchy splinter in her lack of affect can make me soar. But it does nonetheless. With that twitch I feel invincible. I feel like I can take on the world.

All because she twitched when I said that word. Love.

I feel like a giant.

…

"You're in love with her," Alice says as we sit around the kitchen table, my Lucky Charms growing soggy in my bowl. The clack of my dad's new laptop is giving me a migraine. God I hate that sound, each clack is a reminder of the work he has to do. Work that's more important than me.

Dick.

"I hardly know her," I say and Alice just looks at me with her big blue bulbs and takes a gigantic bite of her cereal. She chews slowly, the same appraising look plastered in her features and I wait for her to retort. Angela's still asleep.

"Not her. Bella." She says as Jasper sits down at the table with his bagel and I frown.

"I'm not in love with her. I love her, she's my friend. But I'm not in love with her. You know that," I mumble. Alice and I have had this discussion before.

"Do you love Angela?" Alice asks politely and I sigh.

"I told you, I hardly know her."

"She's nice," Alice says and I grit my teeth. Yes, I know she's nice. That's the whole problem.

Angela fits in well with my family. My dad laughs at her jokes and Esme thinks she's a doll. She discusses music with Alice and knows all the new bands that play at the coffee shop where Alice works. She gets along with Bella too. They discuss books and art and the positivity that has surrounded this river trip is making me want to punch things.

Bella is completely cool with this. And I feel like an idiot. She goes out of her way to make Angela comfortable, bites her tongue when Angela argues with her, laughs at her jokes and it's just so maddening. This doesn't affect her at all. She's, well, like a rock. So fucking typical. I expected something I guess, a little jealousy maybe.

"Yeah, she's a gem," I say sarcastically.

"She is," Alice says seriously and I feel like a dick.

"I don't know. Maybe...maybe I could." If Bella didn't exist. I might be able to be happy with Angela.

"Because she's Angela or because she's like Bella?" Alice asks, her eyes narrowing. Clever girl, that one. I gotta get out of here.

"I'm going for a walk." I'm out the door before I can hear her response.

My legs lead me to the place where everything makes sense. I walk the road of gravel and dirt and it's already fucking hotter than hell out here but I settle onto the swings. I hear the creak and groan of aged wood and I let the sun beat down on my skin. My hair is hot in my face and I push it behind my ears and I'm already sweating.

I look at the store and I can see her in there. She's behind the counter and she's talking to Leah. She'll see me and she'll come to me. She always does.

I watch the ground and I feel a shift, a tremble in the hot stale air around me and I know she's there. I look up and there they are, big, dark, alien eyes and the warmth floods. She sits on the swing beside me, pulling down her tiny shorts to cover the back of her thighs and I can't help but stare at her.

Fuck, I don't want to love her. I don't want to want her. I don't want to feel it.

"Hey," she says, cool as a motherfucking cucumber. I'm staring. I'm an idiot and I can't stop staring at her.

"Hey," I mutter. She's digging the toe of her white tennis shoes into the dirt and her hair falls around her shoulders like waves and she's beautiful. She can hardly look at me.

"Where's you posse?" she says, the sardonic pulses ebbing from her lips. My posse's the last thing I want to talk about.

"I needed a break, you know. I just wanted to be alone for a second," I reply and her lips pout. She gets up to leave and I panic.

"Oh, sorry, I'll go, I just wanted to say hi," she mumbles and I can't let her go. I reach out for her, our skin connects and I buzz.

"No, not you. I just meant I need to be away from them," I try to explain. "Don't leave, please?"

I'm pathetic. She sits, though and she stays.

"So, Angela's nice," she says and I don't know how she can act so cool about this.

"Yeah." It's all I can think to say.

"Your hair's really long." She tries again and I just nod.

"How's school?"

"It sucks," I say. I hate this feeling, like every emotion is locked inside me, like carbonated gas trapped in an aluminum can. She's shaking me up and the minute I open my mouth, it's just going to be a big mess.

"So, um, why do you have a stick up your ass?" And I grin. She's proud of that one. I let my swing go.

"I don't have a stick up my ass. Why do you have a stick up your ass?" Worst comeback ever.

Again, she looks offended and I have to laugh. "I don't. I have been perfectly pleasant."

"You have. You've been polite and quiet and very nice," I respond and I kick her foot because I'm craving the contact. "And I kinda hate it."

She doesn't say anything but she looks pissed and I'm glad. This is my Bella, furious and glowing and still she's silent. I'm dying to know what she's thinking. I feel those bubbles starting to fizz up, and the words cannot be contained any longer. "How can you just act like this doesn't bother you?"

Her eyes flicker and her eyebrows crease and I've hurt her feelings. "What do you want me to do, Edward? Storm around here making a spectacle of myself?"

She looks crestfallen and I want to ease her distress immediately because I didn't mean to make her feel bad. I just wanted to make her feel.

"That's not what I meant," my voice cracks, like a fucking twelve year old. My head pounds and my chest heaves because everything is so wrong. This isn't how it's supposed to be at all. Our conversations always end up like this, because I can't just fucking say what I mean. I don't even really know what I mean. She makes me forget everything I want to say and I fumble. I just want her to share what's going on in her head.

"It does bother me. But it's just the way it is, you know?" She quiet and before I can resist, my fingers are pushing the hair from her face because I can't see her. All her heavy hair is in the way and I can't see the lines of her neck or the curve of her collarbone and I need to see her.

"Yeah, I know." I let my fingers loiter on her skin for just a second. But it's a second too long because she's running away.

"I gotta go," she says and I don't want her to. "Listen, I don't have to work tomorrow. We can go out on the water, if you want. We can take my dad's boat."

"Yeah, that would be fun. Hey, can we go to Australia?" I say, subdued, my fingers still pulsing from their lingered touch.

She nods and runs up the sidewalk. I watch her hair sway across her back, the muscles of her legs flex and shine in the sun. I am in some deep shit. I love her ass in those cutoffs, the little white threads interrupting her tan thighs.

Yeah, deep shit.

Angela's psyched to go out on the river in the morning. She keeps talking about Bella and how wonderful she is.

"I admit, I was kind of apprehensive at first, but she's a pretty cool chick," she says and I just nod. Angela brushes the hair out of my face and sucks on my lip and she tastes like lip gloss. Like waxy fruit.

"She's really quite beautiful, too." Angela's eyes feign indifference but she's gauging my reaction. This is a test. I suck at tests. I do much better when I can explain myself.

"Yeah, she is," I answer truthfully, because really there's no denying it. Bella's like the sun. Sometimes it hurts to look at her and sometimes I want to stare into her brightness so that her image damages my retinas and shit. The way her full lips pout when she's pissed or how big her eyes get when I say something that she finds shocking is the most beautiful thing on the planet.

We get to the cove and Alice and Rose want to go for a ride on the WaveRunners and Jasper and I go along. Angela and Bella hang back at the cove and I don't know how I feel about this.

After lunch, Bella takes us out on the boat. She's perched on a stack of life vests and she's wearing that damn bikini. The same green one from last year. She shows me how to drive the boat while Angela and Alice play bumper tubes. I just want her attention. I want her to talk to me, look at me, touch me, anything that shows she's not over us. So I ask for it.

I flirt with her. I make suggestive comments that I know will make her blush. She shows me how to floor the throttle and it's hot watching her be in control. Then, like an idiot, I almost fall and end up groping her in the process but I can't be too sorry. Even though I make sure to say I am. After that she lets me drive and she stands beside me and I feel like a king.

Later that afternoon, the air is heavy and we take the WaveRunners up river and we race. The water's getting really choppy, white caps all over the place but Bella doesn't slow down. She floors it, fucking balls to the wall and I struggle to keep up, but I'll be damned if Bella thinks she can beat me. She's so damn competitive. She loves this shit. I can almost see her grinning.

"Edward, slow down." I can hardly hear Angela in my ear. Bella darts out in front and I surge forward.

I don't even see the other boat until it was too late. A massive wave knocks the WaveRunner on its side and I barely stay on. Angela's floating in the water behind me and the kill switch is dangling on my vest. I plug it back in and try to start the ignition and nothing happens. Her and Rose pull alongside me and her eyes dart from me to Angela and back and I feel like a douche because I can't start the fucking thing.

"What happened?" Bella asks.

"We hit that wake and Angela went flying. I must have pulled the kill switch accidentally and now it won't start," I say and try to start the ignition again. Nothing. Fucking nothing.

"It's probably just flooded. Hey, Rose can you go pick up Angela?" Bella clips the switch to Rose's vest and then she's in the water and Rose is zipping off to get my girlfriend. Bella glides easily through the water and climbs onto the back of my WaveRunner. She looks serious, like she's performing brain surgery out here or something and I have to laugh.

"Move over." She crawls over my leg and I hold the back of her vest so she won't fall. Oh, God her wet thigh is touching mine and I'm imagining her naked and fuck, I hope she doesn't ask me to stand up.

I hand her the kill switch and she tries the ignition and gets nothing.

"Yep, it's flooded. We're going to have to wait until it dries out. Stand up real quick. I want to check if there's a tow rope in there." Of course you do.

I shift and stand and she checks underneath the seat and finds nothing. Rose stops beside us and Angela's fiddling with her eye. Looks like she lost a contact or something.

Bella fills them in on our stranded situation and then Angela wants to go back to the marina. Before I know it, it's just me and Bella stranded on the dead WaveRunner and I don't know what to say. Her back is to mine and her heel keeps digging into my calf but I can't find it within myself to say a word.

The sky starts to streak and I can see the storm far off in the distance already drenching the desert. Heavy solitary drops begin to fall and all of a sudden, Bella's voice rings out like a siren.

"How could you bring her here? To our place? To share our summer? How could you do that to me?" She's angry and fierce and her words cut. Like I would do this on purpose. I'm not completely heartless.

"What? What are you talking about?" I say back and I nudge her heel out of my calf.

"You knew this would hurt me and you did it anyway. Why would you do that to me?" she says.

I can't believe her accusation. God, is that what she thinks of me? That I would do this just to hurt her? I offered myself to her and she denied me. She pushed me away because she said it would be too hard. Like I'm not worth working for. I don't care how hard it would be to have her only part of the time, the prospect of nothing at all is worse. The thought of her with someone else is worse. Even what we have now is worse.

"Not everything is about you, you know? God, you're so selfish sometimes. Why couldn't this be about me? Why couldn't this be about me trying to have a vacation with my girlfriend?" I defend.

"Is that what this is? Because if that's true, I will leave it alone, Edward. If it's truly about you trying to have a wonderful vacation with your lovely girlfriend, I will leave it the fuck alone. Is that what this is really about?" She asks and I lean into her back. All I can hear is the rain pinging off my life vest. What is this really about? Why did I bring Angela? God, did I do this on purpose.

This attention, this fighting, this passion that I hear in her voice, is better than nothing at all. I am such a dick. I brought this nice girl here, and I'm using her to make Bella jealous. I've known all along I don't want to be with Angela, but here I am, pretending our relationship means something, pretending she has a shot in hell, when I know for a definite fact, I am in love with Bella Swan.

I don't just love her. I'm in love with her. And she thinks I'm fucking someone else.

"I'm not sleeping with her," I blurt out, desperate for her to know the truth. "I don't want to hurt her like that."

"Well, you already are hurting her. She thinks it's her fault." Wait, what? How does Bella know this? "She wants me to ask you about it. She thinks you're depressed. Or that you don't find her attractive, I guess."

Angela talked to Bella. That's the only explanation. Yeah, that's kind of shitty.

"It's not her fault. I just…I know, this thing between us isn't going anywhere. She's nice, you know. She's really smart and funny, but I don't want to, I don't know, go there, when I know I don't love her."

"But you sleep with other girls, ones far less desirable," Bella says and I cringe, the rain water starting to drip into my eyes. It's true. I do. I did. And I realize I have to tell her everything.

"I know. That's the whole point. Those other girls, I'm not myself when I'm with them. I'm drunk or stoned or whatever, it's not me and half the time I don't even remember. But with Angela, God, I don't even know how it happened. One minute she's hanging out sometimes at our dorm, then she's there everyday and she's just really nice, you know, like too nice. And then she's kissing me and making dates and plans and shit. She bought me tickets to Lollapalooza for my birthday.

Then she asked me about summer vacation and I told her about the marina. I think I said something like, you should see the sky out there, it's amazing and she took it as an invitation. And I knew it would hurt you, I did. But you've got that guy, Garrett or whatever his name is. We're both with other people, you know." I spin around so that I'm sitting sideways on the seat.

"I'm not with other people, Edward. I broke up with Garrett last summer. After the houseboat," she says and she's facing me now and her eyes are in her lap.

"But Alice said you…" I start and there's thunder and then it's pouring, just pummeling and then jumping up off the river.

"What did Alice say?" she asks frantically and I'm wondering if I misunderstood. If she's not in love with Garrett, then who did she...oh God. It's me. Could it be me? I feel like this is a trick but I need to know.

"She said you were in love." I face her, straddling the seat and I force her eyes to mine. I see it on her face. It's me. She loves me. I can see it in the way her chest is heaving, her parted lips, the flush creeping up her neck and the rain water causes the end of her braid to curl and loop, like a watercolor paintbrush on her neck and chest. She's gripping the handlebars, her knuckles white against the force of the churning water and she whispers.

"Well, maybe I am."

I want to kiss her. I need to touch her, to feel her energy mix with mine, so I can feel the hum and burn and pull. And then, there's a spark, like when you run around your house in socks all day and touch the couch or something. It's a transfer of energy, it's radiant and pure and just so natural. It's us. Positive and negative.

"I don't like it that you don't call or write me. It's like you forget about me during the year." Her face is so close to mine I can smell the fresh rain on her hot skin.

I don't like it that you get drunk and sleep with skanks," she says. "And I did try to call you. Your roommate answered and called me half a dozen girl names when I asked for you and I hung up." Fucking asshole, cocksucker James!

"I don't like it either. I hate myself for it. They're nothing, you know? And I don't mean anything to them either. I don't mean anything to anyone." I press my cheek against hers and there it is, the jolt through my face and veins and straight to massive muscle thumping wildly behind my ribs.

"You're wrong," she whispers, and her lips are on mine. She's warm and her tongue pushes into my mouth and I'm a God. I run my hand along her thighs and I suck on her lip and hold her mouth to mine. I'm afraid to let her go, afraid to stop kissing her, afraid to breathe because it might change this moment right now. She might change her mind. She might realize her mistake and she'll push me away, just like always. Her hands are in my hair and the whole atmosphere celebrates in our union, the sky sending sparks of lightning and the great cymbal clash of thunder and like the bolt seeks the earth, I'm trying to find her skin. I kiss at her neck, my hand clutches any bit of flesh it kind find and God I want to touch her everywhere.

"We need to get off," she says, her voice heady with lust and I can't help the chuckle.

"The water, I mean. We're sitting ducks out here on the water. We need to get to the shore," she says, like she needs to make it clear that wasn't an invitation and I laugh. She's so cute when she gets all embarrassed.

"You're such an ass," she pushes against me and I grab her hand because I don't want to be done kissing her. I kiss every inch of her hand and I don't ever want to let it go.

"Come to Seattle with me," I say without thinking. She's still though and I'm afraid I've asked too much. Here's the part when she runs and I'm defeated.

"What?" she asks, her eyes closed, her voice clouded in disbelief. I know what her answer will be but still I plead.

"It's not like you have anything going on here, come with me to Seattle." As soon as it's out of my mouth I see her brain twisting my words. It's not what I meant!

"I can't leave Edward, I have a job," she says proudly.

"Your dad could hire someone else," I argue. I'm so sick of this dance, the infamous tango of fear and obligation.

"No, he can't. He can't afford to hire anyone right now. As it is, I work for peanuts, gas money and shit. I can't do that to him, not right now." Just as I expected.

"Hey," she murmurs, her fingers pushing over my ear. "I'm not saying no, just not now."

I kiss her fingers and I nod and I know. It's not now. It's not ever. But I'll take what I can get.

In an instant, Emmett appears, fighting the choppy water through the rain and we climb into the boat while he ties up the WaveRunner. I sit with Bella on our bench and we balance, like chocolate and peanut butter. Her feet rest against my thigh and I tease her because I like her attention. Even when it's in the form of pinching.

When we pull into the marina reality pours in on me. I have to break up with Angela. I can't do this to her anymore. I can't pretend there's hope in a hopeless situation. Bella covers her face with a towel and I think she feels guilty and then I feel horrible that she's crying because she never cries. I want to comfort her and I can't. But I don't feel bad about the kiss. I feel bad that I'm such an asshole, but I don't regret anything that happened on the river today. Only that I didn't do it sooner.

Angela's watching me but I'm still worried about Bella. Emmett pulls into the slip and Bella jumps off the bow to catch the boat. I catch the side and tie the rope to the cleat and her eyes are still on me. I climb out of the boat and I can't stop looking at her.

"I was so worried," she mumbles and tries to kiss me and I can't pretend any more. I step back, the slightest of movements and my thoughts flash to Bella.

"What happened?" Angela whispers and her eyes are on Bella and then me and I can see it all coming together in her head. She doesn't even need to ask again. Her eyes narrow and her darken and she turns and walks away. And I follow her because there are things that need to be dealt with.

She doesn't give me the chance though. She locks me out of my room and I sleep on the couch and in the morning the car is packed and she's in the passenger seat. I give Bella's present to Alice and it's killing me I don't get to see her open this but I think Angela's suffered enough.

As soon as we're on the freeway, Angela lights one of her cigarettes and doesn't even bother to roll down the windows. She knows how much I hate that. I don't say a word.

"You love her, don't you?" Angela says, ash flying all over my dashboard and I grit my teeth and bite my tongue.

"Yeah," I say.

"She was never just a 'thing'," she says with air quotes and everything, the ash of the cigarette dusting my lap and upholstery with embers.

"No," I say.

"You're a fucking prick," she says and I nod. "And a coward."

"I know."

"And you're gonna lose her if you don't get your shit together." She cracks the window and she flicks her cigarette out onto the uneven pavement and I drive.

I spend the next nineteen hours thinking of ways I can get back.

…

**A/N:**

These outtakes were written for Fandom Gives Back for Team Summerward, who so graciously donated a great heap of cash for a peek inside Edward's brain. And they're sharing! Of course, if you haven't read For the Summer, I strongly recommend finishing that first. You don't want to miss out on all that angst-ridden frustration, do you?

There are five outtakes, years 1991-1995 (which correspond with Chapters 9-13), all from Edward's point of view. I'm going to try to post them all by the Fourth of July, because I'm cheesy like that.

Okay, enough chatter. SubtlePen beta'd. Boo and HtotheM preread. They light up my life.

*Also...If you're an 80's music fan (which I am), I'm reading these books_ Talking to Girls About Duran Duran_ and _Love is a Mix Tape _by Rob Sheffield. They're completely lovely.


	2. 1992

**1992 - That Was the Year of the Dream Team**

…

"Pick up your feet, Cullen! Stay in front, stay in front!" Coach Vance shouts from the sideline.

Randall's sweaty arm is all up in my face. He's leaning to the left. He's going for the paint so I step forward and my elbow knocks into his shoulder. I spread my arms wide. I feel the tension in his body shift, his weight transfers to his back leg and he sprints around me. Fuck!

"God dammit, Cullen! Move your feet!" If that old man tells me to move my feet one more time I'm going to shove my foot up his ass, I swear to fucking God.

I race after Randall. The squeak of my shoes fights through the purple jerseys but he's too damn fast. He catches the pass. I lower my shoulder into his chest and he flails like a fish out of water. Coach blows his whistle and Randall's in my face.

"What the fuck, Cullen?" Randall shoves me and I knock his hand away, and Vance is already on the floor.

"Hit the showers, both of you. You're done," he snarls. Randall curses and throws the ball at my chest. I want to chuck the ball at his fucking ugly head but I keep my cool. I cannot get benched. My dad's supposed to be at this game. Yeah, his promises don't mean shit, but there's always the chance. I still hope for it, like that little kid sitting at the fucking piano waiting for the ring of approval from his office.

I set the ball calmly on the floor and Vance's eyes bore into the side of my face. I ignore him and smirk, my lips pulled up in a grin as I strut towards the locker room. I pull the jersey over my head and wipe the sweat from my face.

"And get a haircut," Vance yells and I keep walking.

After my shower, I head back to my dorm. James is at his scale, a dozen jars of various kush lined up on the coffee table.

"Hey." Some scruffy looking dude in flannel nods his head and I nod back. I've seen him before.

I throw my bag in my room and settle on the couch with my journal while James carefully portions out the lavender bulbs. His measurements are exact and he does the math in his head. James is a fucking idiot, but when it comes to drugs, he's a goddamn rocket scientist.

_Meticulous displays, glass bottles and dried bulbs. _

_He guards with a heavy hand, loosely it falls. _

_Congregate, debilitate, emaciate._

_And then the hunger sets in. _

My pen halts as she flashes through my brain. I wonder what she's doing right now. Probably working. In the general store. I bet she's not wearing a bra.

I bring my pen back to the page and the ink pools and bleeds before I write my first word.

_Candy. _

_Sweet on her red sugared tongue. _

_Chocolate. _

_Liquid in her eyes, in her hair, in her skin. _

_She's stuck. _

I scratch out the page, my pen tearing lines in the paper. It's shit. Fucking bubble-gum. Nothing at all like Bella. She's beauty; earthy sediment and solar flares.

"Eddie, you wanna hit?" James asks and he hands me the bong, the sweet smoke perforating the air and tearing me from my musings.

I hold the glass to my face and light the plant. The cylinder fills with smoke and I suck the cloud in. It fills my lungs and fogs my head. Good shit.

"Are you in a band?" scruffy dude asks as I hand him the bong.

"Nope." I let the drug seep.

"You look like this guy I know. He's in a band."

I exhale.

"Well, obviously, we are not the same individual." I turn back to my words. Her words. She's on my mind now.

_Dotted skin and reflective windows. _

_Conjoined. Then severed. _

_Rock and water. _

_Frozen over and split. _

_Heated by the mass of fusion blasting above us, we melt. _

_One rock. One stream. One force. _

I light and inhale again, passing to scruffy dude and he nods and I nod back. It's odd. That he nods. I almost laugh as I exhale, the smoke drifting from my mouth in a leisurely stroll. Or a lumbering troll. Oh shit, I am on a roll.

"Dude! You are such a freak!" James punches my shoulder. Shit, did I just rhyme out loud?

I want to talk to her. Just for a second. I get up off the couch and shut myself in my bedroom. I pull the phone from my nightstand and dial the number quickly. Even faded, I know her fucking number. By heart.

It rings and rings and rings. Her dad answers and I hang up.

My vision's a little cloudy as I grab a carton of orange juice from the fridge. Scruffy dude's just fucking watching me as I drink from the carton and I feel microscopic.

"What?" I ask him.

"You should be in a band," he says vacantly.

Then scruffy dude has a novel idea.

"Hey, you guys wanna come party with us? There'll be chicks there, hot ones."

"Chicks, dude, chicks," James nods and I sigh. It's been a while since I've gone out. Maybe I'll see that girl from statistics. We went to the movies to see Wayne's World and she didn't laugh once. Not once! I don't know, it was just weird.

"Well, as long as there's chicks," I say sarcastically but it's lost on burnt brain cells.

We get to the house and James eyes this redhead on the porch. She flirts with him via her cigarette and James practically has his dick in his hand as he walks over to her.

I find the beer and join a circle and I see this girl and she sees me and I know if I go over there, I could fuck her. She smiles and motions for me to approach her, like I fucking need permission or something. I don't move from my spot. I turn away, a sure indication that advancement is unwelcome and to seek fornication elsewhere.

She thinks I'm playing games because she taps my shoulder.

"Hey, are you in that band that plays at the brewery?" she asks and her eyes are green.

"Uh, no. I'm not in a band."

"Well, you look like a musician. Your hands look…agile," she purrs and I roll my eyes, just like Bella would do if she were here.

"Nope, tone deaf. Sorry," I say and I need another drink.

"Asshole," she mutters under her breath as she walks away.

I find another beer.

Bella's still on my brain so I drink until I can't see freckled skin or taste candied lips or her perfect pink nipples...Fucking goddamn shit, now all I want to do is go home and jerk off and maybe watch an episode of Seinfeld or something.

Instead, I crash on the couch. I'm wasted and talking to these people about the river and the dam and how the water is so cold up there. I want to take Bella on the dam tour.

"I just think she'd really love it. She'd take all kinds of pictures and she'd just sit and stare and probably say something profound and then something funny all in the same sentence. I think she'd just really love it," I ramble. This girl nods and looks around. Why is she even here right now?

"So you're Edward Cullen, right?" She cannot still be into me.

"I don't know," I respond and she snorts. She thinks I'm joking.

"You're adorable, Eddie." It's my turn to snort. I hate that fucking name.

"My name's not Eddie," I mutter and she lights a joint in my face.

"Well, then who are you, river boy?" She asks, smoke pluming from her lips. I stare at her, the words fighting through the haze of intoxication. River boy.

"I'm no one."

She pulls on my flannel shirt and I shrug her off and it's hot in here. I force my way through the bodies, looking for the door. A window. Anything that will offer fresh air.

I find an open window and I push the screen out of the way, just like she always does. I tumble out into a large brush in the front yard. The branches scrape at my skin and I think I might be bleeding.

I struggle with the door knob. I finally get it unlocked and I'm met with polished shoes. How does he keep those shoes so shiny in Seattle? My boots are a mess, but his are always fucking spotless.

"Hey Dad," I say and push my hair out of my face. I wipe my nose, trying to maintain my balance.

"Get your things. You're coming home," he says and I laugh.

"Right, sure thing Pops, lemme get my pajamas," I slur and I find the couch. I don't need this fucking shit from him. He can't fucking tell me what to do anymore.

"I'm dead serious, get your things. Your room is ready." He's cool and calm, like a third party delivering bad news.

"Thanks, but I'd rather not," I yawn. I glance at the table and fucking James left out his scale. And his weed. Fuck! I am so screwed.

"Is this how you're spending my money? On drugs?" he asks and I laugh. I don't even do drugs. Just pot.

"Relax Dad, I get the drugs for free," I lean back into the couch and he grabs my shirt. His eyes are blazing and I can't breathe.

"I refuse to allow my child to behave this way. Do you hear me?"

It only lasts a second, but it's the most emotion I've seen from this man. I'm almost in awe.

"I don't do drugs. Just smoke weed once in a while. Not a big deal," I ramble.

"You could get kicked out of school. You could be arrested!" He releases my shirt and he straightens. The calm returns. "Keep in mind, everything you do is under scrutiny. It reflects upon your character and consequently, my character as well."

Oh, that's what this is about. _His character_. Yeah, he can go fuck his character.

"Professor Laurent called me. You're failing Cellular Biology. This could destroy your GPA," he continues.

"I don't really give a fuck about my GPA, Dad," I yawn and I use my arms to cover my face.

"Obviously. You'll be benched. I already spoke with Coach Vance," he says quietly and my eyes snap to his.

"Are you blackmailing me?" I ask incredulously.

"It's meant to be motivating," he says and I laugh. Uncontrollably. Like a crazy person.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Who are you? The antichrist?"

"Edward, stop being so dramatic. You need redirection," he starts and I've had enough.

"You're seriously fucked up. You realize this don't you?" I shout. He folds his arms like he's waiting patiently for me to finish throwing my tantrum.

"It's for your own good. I need you to trust me, son."

"Oh God, that's hilarious. Seriously Dad, you should have your own HBO special," I snort and crash back into the couch. Fucking prick!

"A car will pick you up in the morning. We'll discuss the specifics then." He walks to the door. His polished shoes squeak on the linoleum.

"And make sure you're not intoxicated when you get home. You don't want to upset the girls."

Then he's gone.

God, I hate him.

The next morning, I'm sitting at the kitchen table, a waffle covered in syrup and strawberries on my plate. Esme smiles at me as I eat. I smile back, because really, it's impossible not to smile at Esme. She's the closest thing to a mom I've had since, well, since I had a mom.

My dad's had lots of wives. There was the blond lady that lasted about a year, right after my mom died. I think she was a nurse that he worked with or something. And then there was the lady with brown curly hair. She was a social worker and had these two foster kids. I liked them. She hit the road the minute she figured out he wouldn't be sticking around for family dinners.

Then there was Jane, the evil vampire monster step-witch. She was a tennis instructor at the country club and the moment I met her, I knew she hated me. But she was my favorite. Because of her, I know Bella.

I wonder what Bella's mom is like.

I wonder if she still showers before bed. What does she eat for breakfast? Does she still like to sleep on her side with one arm under her pillow and the blanket up around her face? I don't like it that I don't know these things.

Alice passes me the sports section of the newspaper and I drink my orange juice. Rose takes a few bites of her yogurt and granola and sips her morning tea but when the phone rings, she hurries from the table. It's Emmett. He calls every morning.

"Edward," my dad looks up from his paperwork. "I've arranged for a meeting between you and Professor Laurent. He's expecting you this afternoon. You should ask him if there's anything you can do to bring up your grade. Projects, assignments, research papers...tell him you'll do anything necessary."

"Jesus, Dad. Anything, really? What if he wants his dick sucked?" I snap and Esme chokes on her hardboiled egg. Alice snorts and coughs and I grin at her, but she shakes her head. Traitor.

"If you cannot handle the responsibility of both extracurricular activities and your education, I'm sure one can be eliminated." He never laughs at my jokes. "I expect we won't have this issue in the future."

"Yes sir," I say with a salute. His face disappears back into his paperwork.

I climb the stairs to the room that used to be mine. The bed is the same and there's a couple of my old shirts still hanging in the closet. I don't remember my time in this room at all. Probably because it was spent wishing I was somewhere else.

I kick off my shoes and crash, vaguely aware of an argument going on downstairs. My dad's leaving. Working on a Saturday. Esme's pissed. They had plans to go to Home Depot or something, to buy plants for the backyard.

"Buy whatever you want, Esme. I'm sure I'll love whatever you choose."

"That's not the point. I don't want to get what I want. I want this to be something we do together." She's pleading, like it will help.

"I'm sorry, love. My hands are tied. You know I have a deadline."

I close my eyes before I can hear her response. I already know how it'll end. He'll choose his work.

He always will.

This is why I'm not surprised when he doesn't show for my game. He's been at the University all day. Esme's in the stands, with Alice and Jasper. Even Mike shows. He likes the after parties.

I try to tell myself, it doesn't matter that he's not here. I'm twenty years old, the damage is done.

I get sixteen points and eight assists. Blocked two shots. Fuck you, Vance, my feet are fine.

We get a burger and then head out to this party on the Sound. I'm feeling pretty good about the game so I drink a little. They're passing around a pipe, so I smoke a little too. I watch the beads of condensation slide down the green bottle in my hand. She's in my head. Sweat sliding down her neck, snaking around her collarbone and slipping right between her tits. Fuck, I cannot stop thinking about that fucking kiss. Some chick cuddles up to me and I push her aside. She's pissed because apparently I know her but I can't place her face. All I see is melted chocolate and a green bikini.

My dad's waiting for me at the kitchen table when I get home. I'm faded as fuck but I try to keep my shit together. He keeps talking in his fucking passive aggressive voice, the one that's supposed to make me think he cares, but not really enough to do anything about it, so I flip him off and climb the stairs to my room. I keep blinking but I can't really see and the hallway's rolling, like a swell of water between high cliffs. I slam into the wall, and I breathe through my nose. If I could just get to my bed.

I wake up in the bathroom, my face pressed against the cold of the porcelain bowl. I puked, all over myself. I blink, my head pounds with each lift of my lids and I stumble into the shower, clothes and all. I let the water berate me. I watch it swirl around the drain in streams, following the path of least resistance to the vacant black.

I don't want this. I don't want to be a doctor. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to live with my dad or think about my mom. I don't want to be here, in Seattle. I just want to be where she is. And I can't. And it's fucking sucking the life out of me. I can't do this anymore.

There's a loud pounding on the door, the thump, thump, thump, like my brain knocking against my skull.

"What?" I groan.

"Edward, I'd like..." I can't hear him. Why doesn't he just speak up? Yell even. He acts like we live in a fucking monastery.

"I can't hear you," I yell back and it feels really good to yell at my dad. Therapeutic or some shit.

I hear the door open and I'm irate. "Get the hell out of here!" I scream and he crosses his arms in front of his chest.

"Meet me in my office. When you're through cleaning yourself up." He walks out and shuts the door behind him.

I comply with the doctor's orders. I dress and settle into his leather office. Leather chairs. Leather topped desk. Leather ottoman. It smells like a dead animal in here.

My dad keeps me waiting and I'm about to bail when he softly closes the door behind him. He sets a cup on the desk, meant for my piss and I laugh.

"It's from Coach Vance. You need to submit a sample." He eases into his chair and I'm speechless. If I test today I am fucked. Off the team. Disbanded. Completely fucked.

"I'm going to get kicked off the team, you know."

"Yes, I know."

I just stare at the cup. I can't live here with him. I've been here two days and I already want to kill him. I need to get out of this house.

"Can I live in the unit at the marina?" I blurt out and my dad's confused by the turn of my tone.

"In Arizona?" he asks and I nod. He folds his hands, his eyes on his twisting fingers for a long time before he speaks.

"I don't think you've thought this through."

"I don't think you know anything about me," I mutter because the arrogance of his statement makes me want to punch him.

"Of course I know you. You're my son. A Cullen. And you're going to medical school. It's what you've always wanted."

_No, it's what you've always wanted. It's what Mom wanted. I've never wanted this._

"I'm going to the visit the grave. On Tuesday. You should come with me," he says, and there it is, the guilt. Somehow, he always manages to weave her into the argument. He knows I'd do anything for her.

"I have class," I say through my teeth. He's won. Just like always. And now he'll offer the consolation prize.

"I was thinking we should have a big party for your birthday this year. Really go all -out. You only turn twenty-one once." He's trying to be clever.

"I want to go to Vegas," I challenge.

"Okay. I'll take care of it," he says.

"And I want my own apartment," I add.

"It can be arranged. It will depend upon your scores this semester. And your drug test." He hands me the cup. "I'll expect that back at the end of the semester."

He can't be serious. It's barely November. He expects me to live here for another month? Sober?

"You missed my game," I spit, my leg bouncing up and down furiously. "And apparently, it was my last one."

Yeah, motherfucker, two can play the guilt game.

"Alright, as long as you're passing your classes, I'll pay your rent. You fall behind, you move back home. I know it's seems harsh, Edward, but your future depends on this."

"Fine," I say and stand to leave. "What about Vance?"

"I'm sorry, he can't be persuaded. This directive came from the Dean." Who happens to play golf with my father every Sunday. He's so full of shit.

Anyone can be persuaded with a dollar sign.

...

When we finally arrive at the marina, I'm itching to get to Bella. We're later than normal, we had to wait for Rose.

We park at the unit and I'm sweating. I always forget how fucking hot it is here. I'm at her window even though it's one in the morning and it's dark in her room. I push my hair out of my face. I should have cut it before I left. Fuck, I'm nervous. Why am I so nervous?

She pops out the screen and I climb in and then I look at her. Her hair's a mess and she's in her underwear. Goddamn, motherfucking shit. She shuts the window and all I can focus on is the curve of her ass cheek sticking out of the blue and white starred material. She's wearing my Bulls tank top and I pretend I'm looking at the emblem, but Christ, I can see her nipples. Look away, idiot! And say something clever. And don't get a boner!

"Best pajamas ever," I smirk. She rolls her eyes and falls back onto her bed. I love it when she's exasperated. And almost naked.

"Did you just get here?" She yawns and rubs her eyes. She looks grumpy when she's sleepy. I sit on her bed and try to ignore her nipples.

"Yeah."

"You're late." She tames her hair back into a ponytail and I watch the lines of her neck and shoulders flex.

"We had to wait for Rose. She was waiting to hear about this internship thing in Washington D.C.," I say and my fingers find their way to her skin.

"How's school?" She asks quietly. Shitty, sucks ass, I hate my life.

"I'm just stoked this semester is finally over. I have one more year and then I apply for medical school. I still have to take the MCAT. I've been putting it off. Four more years, Bella. I have to do this shit for four more years," I spit.

She crawls over me to turn on her radio and fuck me running if the very boob I am trying to ignore grazes my arm. I try to breathe. I close my eyes and lean back against the iron railing of her bed and away from her scantily clad ass crawling over my fucking lap. Is she trying to kill me?

"It's not a choice," I say and I just want to curl up with this girl on her bed and forget the last ten months of my life.

"So…" she starts and I look at her. She holding back, apprehensive. I want to tell her I'm available, that all I think about is her, but I don't want to assume anything. What if she has a boyfriend? What if she's forgotten that kiss? What if I'm about to make a complete fool of myself?

"So I was thinking, we need to go out."

"In case you haven't noticed, we're kind of in the middle of nowhere. Where exactly did you want to go?" She's hesitant, doubt smothering her pretty face.

"Somewhere we can dress up."

"I don't know, Edward," she says and I'm frustrated because it sounds like she's going to say no.

"Angela dumped me," I give. "The moment we got in the car last summer. We didn't even stop to sleep in Reno, drove the whole nineteen hours straight through."

Silence and my heart's a racehorse. "So, are you seeing anyone, Bella?"

"No," she says quietly and I can breathe. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Nope," I say proudly. "I haven't been out in months."

"What do you mean by out?" she asks skeptically.

"Out, you know, out."

"No, I don't know. I don't go out. _Ever_." She stresses the last word, and her eyes are wide.

"Then we are definitely going out," I smile.

"Are you still sleeping around?" she demands and I'm startled. It takes me a minute to answer. No. Not since last summer. Not since that kiss. I've been on a few dates, but nothing I planned on remembering.

"I go out Bella, and sometimes I go out with girls. But I'm not looking for a hook up anymore. I'm kind of over it."

"Then what are you looking for?" A distraction. A replacement. A second choice.

"I don't know. Just looking, I guess." It's a safe answer.

"I don't want you to look," she says and she's pissed, which pisses me off. Why can't she just say it?

"What do you expect, Bella? I mean, I thought that kiss last year was pretty fucking stellar and then I don't hear from you all year and I'm left thinking I made a mistake, that I basically broke this nice girl's heart for nothing. Why shouldn't I look? Do I have a reason not to look?" I blurt out. I search her face and for a minute I think she'll surrender, let me in. But they turn, her lids like slivers. She's choosing to fight.

"I guess not," she spits and I explode.

"You are so fucking stubborn, you know that?"

She kicks her legs like a spoiled brat and I can't help it, I react the only way I know how. Assholism.

I tug on her blanket, because I know it'll piss her off, and I can't see her freckled thigh anymore. She pulls back and I don't let go. Her eyes are on fire, her hair falling from the elastic binding and blocking her face. Her nose is turned up and her lips are tight and I laugh. She's so goddamn beautiful.

"Give me my fucking blanket." Her voice is throaty and I tug on the quilt with more force. Then her hands are on my chest, her body close and warm, and she smells like shampoo.

She still showers at night.

"Get out of my room," she growls in my face.

"No," I say, planting myself on her bed. "Not until you admit it."

"Admit what?" She turns to face me. She's on her knees and I force myself to look at her face because I can see her nipples again.

"Admit that you don't want me to look at other girls because you like me," I smirk.

"I really, really don't like you right now," she scowls and I laugh.

"Yes, you do. You just don't like that you have a weakness," I say and I let the comfort of her bed surround me. The smell of her pillow, the cool of the iron bars, even the squeak of the frame. This is my favorite spot in the whole world, right here, in Bella's puny twin daybed.

"We're going to Vegas for the Fourth," I demand and my eyes are heavy from the drive. "And I want to meet your mom."

I don't hear her response, but I feel her sink beside me. Her head rests next to mine, her back pressed against my side and I shift so that my arm folds over her. I slide my hand under her shirt and my fingers spread wide to absorb the skin of her stomach. She squirms closer into my chest and I soar.

Yeah, she loves me.

...

"What do you mean you'd do Luke Perry? He's such an asshole!" How could she even be remotely attracted to that douche bag? She's sitting in the passenger seat, legs crossed on the seat

"What? I like his hair."

"Since when?" I ask and she shrugs.

"I don't know, since forever, I guess." And I just stare at her in disbelief.

"I'd totally do Clinton," Rose chimes from the back seat and it's silent in the car for a full minute while the rest of us ponder whether that's weird. Then Emmett breaks the silence.

"Me too, babe. Me too." He kisses her cheek and my stomach hurts from laughing by the time we get to the restaurant.

Meeting Bella's mom is an interesting experience. She's short, her hair like a helmet, her face caked in makeup. She smiles real big and taps her fake painted nails incessantly on the Formica table top. She's insanely positive and talks a mile a minute and wears designer labels. It's hard to imagine her sweating at the marina.

Bella chews her lip and drinks all my Coke. She watches her mom uncomfortably, eyes darting between her mom's red lipstick and her new boyfriend. The interactions are all so generic and I feel like I'm watching this go down on some cheesy prime time sitcom. And I'm the dude that's on the show once or twice, like a guest appearance or something.

We head out to meet Alice and Jasper at the hotel and I feed off the electricity humming in the air. I feel like Frank Sinatra with Bella on my arm as we weave through the casino to our rooms.

It's not long before Alice is pouring shots of tequila and toasting to sparks or some shit but all I see is Bella in her bikini. We walk down to the pool and I follow the sway of her hips. She trips once on the carpeted flooring and when she laughs at herself, she snorts. I just want to touch her.

We swim in the pool and Bella hangs all over me, her legs sliding against mine, her hands on my shoulders, my back, my chest. It's so fucking easy. The alcohol helps me to relax, so I drink. A lot. And I forget to filter. My hands roam and I don't care to stop myself. She doesn't stop either and by the time she's sauntering back up to the room, I'm watching beads of water slither down her back and her bathing suit is riding up. It takes all the strength I possess to not adjust her suit. Or grab her ass. Which I can't stop staring at.

I pull at the ties of her bathing suit, because I love the attention she gives me when I'm bugging the shit out of her. My fingers graze her skin and she has goosebumps and I want to lick her neck. She's smacking at my hand and making threats, all high and mighty and shit, like she's not walking through a fucking casino with her bikini up her ass.

She falls back against my chest and her ass is pressed against my dick and I have to take deep breaths, meditate and shit. I'm gonna have to unload before we go out tonight.

I gently tug on the stretchy fabric, not hard or anything, but she tells me to knock it off again, and she's totally throwing me attitude so I nudge her out of the elevator. It's meant to be just a tease, I swear, but she trips again and I reach out to stop her fall.

"Fuck! Edward! Let me go! What the fucking fuck?" She's screeching and I'm laughing because the words out of her mouth sound anything but menacing. I feel like if I let her go she'll fall, so I keep my grip. I hold her body against mine and I can feel her breathing.

She saying something and I'm not registering the words, but her face is close to mine and I want to kiss her. I lift her over my shoulder and run to the room. She's complaining, of course, and I toss her on the bed. Her hair splays out around her face, her cheeks red and her lips parted and I want to put my mouth on her. Her chest is heaving and I bend to her pull, but the others are barging through the door.

"I call shower," I wink at her and I grab my shit. She hates it when I wink at her.

I can't get her out of my mind. I work up a good lather and it doesn't take much to get me hard. I close my eyes and imagine her smart mouth on my dick. I see her chocolate eyes peeking up at me through her long lashes. I see her hand slide between her legs and she's touching herself and I come, the hot water pummeling my back and the top of my head and streaming into my mouth as I pant.

"Edward!" Alice is pounding on the door impatiently and I quickly scrub myself clean before she says anything embarrassing. Ever since Esme walked in on me whacking off in eighth grade, she's taken advantage of every opportunity to make a masturbatory joke on my behalf. I'm sure she thinks it's nostalgic or some shit.

"Gimme a sec," I yell back and she's knocking again. I towel off and rush to put on underwear so I can shut her up.

"We all have to shower, you know? Put your di-"

"Shut it!" I growl, flinging open the door, and she's laughing.

"Relax, she's asleep," Alice says as she takes over the bathroom, handing me my clothes and shutting the door in my face. Jasper chuckles from his spot on the bed and I flip him off, which only prompts more laughter.

I pull on my pants and my shirt. Alice's shit is spread out all over the vanity and I knock some of it aside so I can shave.

"So…" Jasper starts and I turn to glare at him, my face covered in foam.

"Don't even start," I mumble and there's shaving cream in my mouth so I spit in the sink. Bella's still curled on the bed in her damn bikini. She's so soft when she's sleeping. I don't know which one fascinates me most, the peaceful ebb and flow of her breath while she sleeps, or the glowing electricity in her eyes when she's awake.

"You gonna do something about this or what?" Jasper nods in her direction and I turn back to my task.

"You gonna shower today or what? I can smell you from here," I retort curtly as I slide the razor over my jaw.

"Dude, I get it, okay? But that chick digs you. Trust me, she's into it." Jasper grabs his clothes and with a quirk of his eyebrow, he slips into the bathroom. I quickly rinse my face because now I can hear Alice giggling and I think I'm going to be sick. I should be used to this shit by now. Alice practically lives at our apartment.

I sit on the windowsill and it doesn't take long before I'm watching Bella sleep. The truth is, I don't really know how Bella feels about me. Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes she makes me feel like a giant and when I walk, the rocks tremble. We're connected, I could feel it surging between us today. And I know she feels it too, I just don't know if it's enough.

Bella's here. I'm here, and maybe we can have something here, even if it's just this once. It's better than nothing, right?

Of course it is. I'm grateful for any bit of this girl I can get.

We watch some shit show on MTV while the girls get ready, but Bella's still sleeping. She needs to get up if we're gonna get out of here on time, so I wake her. She jumps off the bed, her hair matted and her face red and lined from sleeping. Her eyes scan, her lips quirk. She's checking me out. And fuck, I'm nervous. I'm about to say something sarcastic when she finally speaks.

"You look good," she says and she's blushing, the color spreading to her chest and I laugh, like an idiot. She smiles and my heart explodes, like I just ran a mile or something.

Bella's in the shower and Alice is barking at me to get her bag. I snag the knapsack from the corner and carry it to the bathroom. Then Bella's in the doorway draped in a goddamn towel, water glistening all over her tan skin and I hold the bag out to her. Damn, she's beautiful, so I tell her. I'm flirting and she knows it. She rolls her eyes and slams the door in my face but I don't care. I think she secretly loves it.

Finally, the girls are ready to leave and when I get to see Bella, it's really weird. I mean, she looks hot, really, really fucking hot and, for an instant, I'm stunned into insecurity. For like ten seconds, all I want is to drag her back in that room and make her put on a tank top and her cutoffs because those douche bags in the casino are going to be molesting her with their eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop them.

I force myself to forget it. I force myself to focus on her. She looks nervous and she keeps messing with her dress so I hold my arm out for her and she stumbles in her shoes and I ease a bit. I want to be exactly what she needs.

"You look amazing," I whisper into her neck and she smiles. She holds my arm like we belong to each other. I move my arm to her waist, the slippery material shifting over her hip under my hand and she fits beside me.

We eat and drink and I'm just so fucking nervous. I want this night to be perfect. I want Bella to see how easy things can be, away from the marina. Maybe if things are easy, she'd be more willing to try this whole long distance thing.

So I drink, and I relax, and things start to happen. I need to touch her, I want the connection. I sit really close to her at dinner. I drape my arm on her shoulder and I rub her thigh and she feeds me bites of ice cream sundae. She stares into my eyes and I'm satiated.

We take a limo to the club and Bella's beside me, smoking my joint and my hands are on her again. I chew the end of my cigar and she steals it from my mouth. I watch her place it between her lips and fuck, her skirt's short. Her hand twists in my shirt and I pull her mouth to mine. She tastes like tobacco and chocolate and weed and champagne and I want to wear the taste of her on my lips forever.

Once we're in the club, we sit at a big booth and Jasper orders more drinks. Bella's lips are on my ear and she mumbles something about Rose's shoes and it reminds me she's still my Bella, underneath the makeup and the slippery dress, underneath the glowing lights of the smoky club, she's still my Bella. So, I kiss her, the way I always want to but don't have the guts. I hold her face in my hands and I lick her lips and I kiss her. I want to slide my hands up her dress and touch her and make her sigh into my mouth. I want her so bad it hurts.

Then she's gone, her hand in Alice's, her heels clicking away on the marble floors. Emmett orders a round of shots. This time it's rum, and it's good. The chime of the piano rings through my drunken fog and I focus on the sound while I wait for Bella to return to me. What could be taking so long?

It's familiar, a song I've played before but this dude's better than me. My leg bounces and my chest is tight. I need another drink. Or a joint. Or Bella. I just need Bella. I watch the pianist and that could have been me. I have to play. I get up from my seat and the room is spinning. But I have to play.

"Dude, you okay?" Emmett's hand is on my shoulder, Rose tucked into his side, a straw between her lips.

"Yeah, man. I'm great. I'm gonna go talk to that piano player. He's really good, I'll be back in a sec," I say in my most sober voice and Emmett lets me go. I stumble over to the stage as the pianist is taking a break. I shake his hand and introduce myself. I compliment him a shitload and before I know it, I'm seated at the sleek instrument. I haven't played in a while but my fingers fly and I'm performing again.

Just then I see her, all beautiful and glowing and shit and I want her to sing. I want her to open up and let go. I just... I just want her.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," I say into the microphone and her brown eyes are huge. "Isn't she beautiful, everyone? That's my best friend, Bella. Bella, remember when you said you wanted to be a lounge singer? Now's your chance!"

She doesn't move and I think maybe she needs a little persuading. So I sing, and she cries.

It's all I can focus on, the tears streaming down her cheeks and I don't care they're making me leave because I made her cry. I'm leaning on her and she supports me, like I did earlier when she couldn't walk in those stupid shoes. This is the way we work. We support each other when we do stupid shit. We hold each other up, and it's so right. It's how it's supposed to be. It's what people do when they love each other.

I see it. She loves me. Her hands are on my face and she lets me lean my head on her shoulder in the cab. I see it when she wraps her arms around my waist and she lets me kiss her in the elevator. I see it when she takes off my shoes and socks in the hotel room. Her fingers move to my belt and her hair falls in her face as she pulls the pants from my legs and I see it when her eyes find mine.

I want her to see it too.

"I love you, Bella," I say. Her eyes are moons and she scowls.

Of course, she's offended.

"No you don't. You love the fantasy. You love the thought of me. You love who I am two months out of the year. You love what you see in a pretty dress right now. You don't really love me. You don't even really know me."

And of course, I challenge her.

"How do you know what I feel? You think you know everything, Bella. You think you've got everything all figured out. I do love you. I love when you look at me with those big huge fucking doe eyes and I love it when they get all squinty, when I say something that pisses you off. I love the way you eat ice cream, like it's the last goddamn time you're ever going to eat it. Do you know how hard it is for me to watch you lick chocolate ice cream off your fingers, year after year?"

"I don't have doe eyes. That's just make-up." She wipes her face clean but she's wrong. I like her face better when it's just hers.

"I love your big fat braid hanging down your back and how you think you're so tough. I love your hips in that dress and your shoulders. You have really pretty shoulders." I sit up and just keep talking because she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.

"It's just a dress," she says and she's ripping the dress from her neck. She's frantic, her eyes searching the room and I need to connect. So I reach. And I touch her. And it's electric.

She lets the material drop and she's stunning. Her skin is honey but her breasts are milky white and I grip the curve of her hips. I want to tell her how the lines of her figure torture my fantasies and make all other women shy compared to her vibrancy but I can't find the words. Maybe I'm too drunk or maybe I'm just an idiot, but beautiful just doesn't cut it. It's not enough.

My hands following the indentations of her stomach, the ripple of her ribcage and I fold over the swell of her breasts. I'm greedy, I grab and roll and catch her nipples as they tighten. Her lids are languid as I pull the elastic from her hips. I drink her in and she's perfect and I'm hard and I want to consume her. I need it and she's offering it to me.

I pull her to my lap and she rocks against my dick. She pulls my shirt over my head and I kiss her, my hand fumbles between her legs and I push my fingers into her. God, she's warm and soft and she gasps. I know I'm being too rough, but I can't control myself. My dick is throbbing and my hand is everywhere. She strokes my chest and her mouth folds slowly over mine and I breathe, I ease. She presses down onto my hand and I want to see her come more than anything in the world.

She's shaking and breathing into my neck and I feel her twitch around my fingers. I lick her neck and pull her breast to my mouth. She moans and pulls my hair and I have to be inside her. I pick her up and lay her on her back and she strips me of my underwear. I press against her and she opens her big, soft doe eyes, and I see it.

Love.

Oh God, I love her, and this is not how I should show it. I should be more gentle, I should worship her. She deserves more from me. I kiss her all over. They're apologies because I'm still trying to make up my mind. She wraps her legs around my waist and she's wet against my stomach, smearing on my skin. I could easily push into her.

"No," I mutter. "This is wrong. It can't be like this. It's not supposed to be like this." She tightens her grip on me and I'm shaking my head.

"I want this, Edward. It's okay, it's fine," she whispers. Fine? It's not supposed to be fine. It's supposed to be beautiful, energy passing between us as we connect. It cannot be _fine_. She deserves so much more than fine.

"No, no, no, this is not okay." I press my face to her skin and I fight the tears welling in my eyes, guilt laden tears that I don't deserve to shed. "God, I'm such an asshole. I can't believe I almost… I won't Bella, not like this."

She detaches and turns away. My heart is a brick and everything's heavy. I curl around her, just like we do when we sleep together in her little bed, and I kiss her neck and shoulder. I know I'm begging, but I'm not sure what I'm asking her for.

I just need this to be okay, I need her to be okay. Please, say you're okay.

"I'm not mad." She whispers as I fade, the thick veil of exhaustion heavy and consuming.

When I wake up in the morning, my head is pounding and I'm naked and alone. Bella's gone. I quickly put on my boxers and my head spins, nausea bubbling in my stomach. I rush to the bathroom and gag into the toilet. Not much comes up and I stave off the next swell. I sit there with my head in the toilet and try to figure out what happened last night.

Where is she? I quickly brush my teeth and I see a sliver of light between the drapes. I poke my head through the curtain and fuck, it's bright! But she's there, on the windowsill.

"Hey, coffee?" I ask and she nods. We dress, together, in the darkness and it's silent. We walk, find coffee. My head pounds and I shade my eyes. She makes fun of me because I'm so hung over. Then she brings up last night.

"Hey, you only turn twenty-one once, right? And you definitely had a night to remember," she says and I feel like I'm going to be sick again. Oh God, we didn't. Not her, please, not her. I know it was close. I could still smell her on me this morning.

"Bella, I'm so sorry about last night. I was completely wasted and I was out of line. We didn't… did we?"

"No, we didn't. Don't worry about it, it's fine." Her voice bites. Fine. She thinks I'm rejecting her.

"That's not what I meant, damn it! God, I keep fucking this up. I just… you mean a lot to me, like, a lot. And I don't ever want to have that with you, you know, a drunken fuck I can't remember. You deserve so much better." She sips her coffee and thinks. Her eyes are smudged with leftover makeup and she licks her lips.

"What _do_ you want to have with me?" she asks. I try to find an answer that won't scare the shit out of her or piss her off.

"Coffee? Sundaes? Bowling? Anything, Bella," I say and she frowns.

"You want to go on a date?" she asks and I shrug. Her face softens, her lips quirk. "I like that. We can start slow, start over."

"No, not start over. Start again," I say, because I wouldn't trade any of the moments we've had. We talk and she smiles a lot and I kiss her cheek. She lets me hold her hand and I feel good. Better than I've felt all year.

When we get to the room, Alice and Jasper are acting weird. For one thing, Jasper's cleaning and that dude never cleans. Emmett calls Bella into his room and she pulls me along. I'm thinking he saw I was naked in bed with his sister and he's going to fuck me up. I'm a little intimidated, ready to make declarations and shit, when Emmett spills.

"Bella, I'm moving to Washington," Emmett says and Bella's squeezing my hand.

"What? You're leaving?" I wrap her up and she's shaking. I'm not surprised. I mean, sure, Emmett and Rose only see each other during the summer, but they've never been part-time.

"Rose got an internship in Washington D.C. She's going to be there for at least the next two years, maybe longer, and I want to be where she is. I don't want to be without her anymore. Come on, Bella. You had to have seen this coming."

"But the marina, Dad and Mom? We need you Emmett, Dad needs you. What are we going to do?" Her hands are fists now.

"Dad will be fine," Emmett grits his teeth and Rose twines closer to him, a united front.

"Why are you telling me this now? Does everybody know? Does Dad know you're abandoning your family for some part-time girlfriend?" Bella snaps and Rose looks like she's going to punch her.

"Nobody knows, except Alice and Jasper, because we needed witnesses," Emmett says and I brace myself.

"Witnesses?" Bella's crying and I wipe her cheek, but she doesn't respond.

"Rose isn't my part-time girlfriend, Bella," Emmett says. "She's my wife."

Bella's silent. I don't think she's breathing.

"How could you?" Bella murmurs. "Why didn't you tell me? I… I could have been a witness…"

"I'm sorry Bella," Rose says quietly and Bella snaps.

"Save it. You're not sorry. You guys get to leave and go have your perfect life and it's all on me now, Emmett. How could you do this? It's so fucking selfish!"

"You're damn right it's selfish," Emmett booms. "Don't I deserve to be selfish for once? Don't I deserve to be happy? I thought you, of all people would understand this!"

Bella's eyes are blank, her leg bounces and she's gone. She locks herself in the bathroom and Emmett tries for a half-hour to get her to open the door. He's desperate and looks at me for help, so I knock lightly.

"Bella, it's me," I say and she opens it a crack. Her eyes are red and she lets me in. She sits in the empty bathtub, knees pulled to her chest, and I climb in with her. She grips my shirt and burrows her face in my chest and cries. I pull my fingers through her hair and kiss her forehead, and hold her for a really long time.

Shit goes down when we get back to the marina. Emmett and Charlie go at it, straight up boxing in the road, and Bella's pretty shaken up. I've never had a fight like that with my dad. Every argument with him is like a business transaction. This is raw emotion, Charlie's fucking pissed and Emmett defends himself. And it's hard to tell who's right and who's wrong because everyone's hurting.

Emmett and Rose leave for Seattle and Bella asks me to stay with her. We lay side by side. Her head rests against mine, and I play with her fingers. I know it sucks that her brother's gone, but I see the faint glimmer of hope this whole Emmett and Rose thing sheds.

"If Emmett and Rose can make this long distance thing work, so can we," I mention and she's quick to argue, just like always.

"For the next four years? And then what about your residency? Then what are you going to do? Move here? I can't ever leave now. I'm stuck." I would move here, if she would wait for me.

"We don't have to know all the answers right now. I thought we were going to take it slow," I say. Maybe an opportunity will arise, like it did for Emmett and Rose, and we can find a way to be together sooner.

And we are together, for the rest of the summer. We watch the Dream Team wreck shop at the Olympics and we drive into town for ice cream sundaes. It feels like a date. I hold her hand and I kiss her lips and I feel her up under the covers of her bed, in the water, on the boat, on the hiking trails. Still, I don't let it go any further. I want to prove to her that I can be in a relationship, that I want this long-term. I want to prove it to myself, too.

I give her my pager number and I hope like hell she'll use it. It's really fucking hard to get her on the phone. It puts the ball in her court though, which makes me anxious.

The day before I'm supposed to leave, I sneak her present into her room. It's a CD player. I really just wanted her to have this CD. More specifically, this one song.

She frowns when she sees the disc and I try to keep a straight face.

"I can't play this," she says, matter-of-factly, like I'm that stupid. I roll my eyes.

"Sure you can," I say. "Use the force."

Her eyebrows dance and she thinks I'm nuts. I love it.

"Come on, you're a smart girl, you can figure it out," I tease and she's getting pissy until she looks at her recently replaced music player.

"I do not accept that gift," she says. I grab the CD from her hand and skip to my song. Well, her song, really.

With some persuasion, she eases beside me and we listen. The song rips through the room and my chest is tight. It hurts to breathe, to think, to focus on anything outside of this girl with her hip tucked perfectly into my side, like it's supposed to go there. Her hand lightly moves across my chest and I don't want to leave. Here it comes, the part I always sing aloud. The part I sing to her.

"_I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,_

_I know you'll be the star in somebody else's sky,_

_But, why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"_

She cranes her head and her mouth is on mine, and we connect. I run my hand along her spine and her fingers tighten in the fabric of my shirt. She slides her leg between my knees and I clutch her hip to pull her closer. We kiss and touch and she writhes against me, and I fight for the strength to steady her hips. She kisses my jaw and my neck and rests her head on my chest. A quiet thank you is whispered and I know we'll be fine. Just like Emmett and Rose. We can do this.

What's the worst that could happen?

…

**A/N:**

Ah, Vegas a la Edward.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments. Thank you for your lovely, lovely words.

Special thanks to **SubtlePen** for beta and **Boo **and **h32mh32m/htothem** for pre-reading. Love on them, will ya?


	3. 1993

**1993 – That Was the Year Michael Jordan Retired to Play Stupid Fucking Baseball**

**...**

"Wait, don't unpause it," Mike says as he inhales a slice of pizza. Sauce collects in the corner of his lips and he chews with his mouth open. He looks like tenth grade. He takes a swig of his beer and wipes his mouth with his t-shirt before picking up his controller. Yep, just like tenth grade. All he needs is a bong and a bad haircut.

"Give him ten seconds, dude. And then _finish him_." Spot on. Damn, I'm good.

"Round one…FIGHT!" Jasper says and hits the start button.

"Fucking cheater!" Mike shouts as he fumbles with his controller. He's getting thrashed.

"The Chinese God of Thunder waits for no man," Jasper retorts as he throws a mean combo.

"Goddamn it," Mike mutters under his breath. He finally gets in the game, his retaliation quick. "_Get over here, bitch!_" He mimics, and Alice rolls her eyes.

"And you wonder why you're still single," Alice says.

"It's a lifestyle choice, babydoll. Don't be jealous," Mike says, his eyes never leaving the screen.

"Whatever helps you sleep… alone," she says and I chuckle because Mike's starting to get riled up. It's a distraction. Jasper's a dirty player.

"What? How many chicks have I brought home this week? Tell her! I've got game," Mike says. He stops paying attention just long enough to get a mouth full of lightning and his head explodes.

"And that, son, is how it's done." Jasper tosses the controller, like he's a badass for letting his girlfriend help him win a video game.

"You suck," Mike says sourly.

"Yes, yes she does," Jasper says and Alice smacks him on the arm.

"Is that any way to speak about the future mother of your children?"

Jasper coughs, the beer he's guzzling sprays all over the table.

"Oh my God, I'm just messing with you," she says with a scowl.

She's so full of shit. Alice has been up his ass to get his own place. My dad talked to some dude he knows and landed Jasper a paid internship at this high profile auditing firm. Soon they'll be getting married and popping out kids. They'll probably get a minivan and a house in the suburbs or some shit.

"No, babe, I just… I got some beer up my nose, that's all," Jasper tries to cover but Alice isn't buying it. She glares at him, and he just laughs.

"What?" he asks. She's not amused. I pick up his controller and start a new game. Mike joins the fight.

"Um… I love you?" he tries and she breaks, her lips twist into a grin as she gets up to take her plate to the kitchen.

"Oh! Hey, a bunch of the guys from the store are going camping this week. You guys wanna come?" Mike asks just as he delivers a roundhouse kick to my face. I frown. I have to take the MCAT next weekend. I'm supposed to be studying.

My dad brought over some prep materials. They've been sitting on the kitchen table for a month. I can't open them. It's like once I rip that cellophane free, I initiate a chain of events that will bind me to Seattle for the next four to six years. This is what my life will become. Testing materials and research papers and clinical rotations, residencies, internships...fuck! There's no room for anything I want.

I don't know if I can wait four to six years to be with Bella.

God, I wish she'd just move here. She could be having pizza with us right now.

"Oh, dude, someone paged you when you were running earlier," Mike says and I drop my controller. I jump from my seat and grab my pager from the counter.

"What the fuck? Why didn't you tell me?" I bark. I recognize the number. It's hers. Well, the marina's.

"I just forgot, okay? Don't be an asshole." I check the clock, it's past six. She called three hours ago. Damnit!

I shut myself in my room and dial the number. Please let her answer. If I have to hear that asshole's voice tonight I will lose it.

"Willow Cove Resort and Marina." It's her. She sounds tired.

"Hey!" I blurt, my voice cracking like a prepubescent loser.

"Hi," she laughs. "What are you doing?"

Waiting for my balls to drop, obviously.

"Nothing. I just got your page."

"You just got it? I sent it hours ago," she says.

"I know. I went for a run. Mike forgot to tell me."

"Oh, well if you're busy, you don't have to call. It's okay, I'm not waiting around for you or anything." I can't tell if she's being sarcastic.

"No, I want to talk to you. I just… I didn't know," I sigh.

"Oh, okay." After a minute, she asks, "How's your spring break?"

"It's okay. Uneventful. I think I'm going camping this week." I hesitate. "I miss you."

If she tries to act all tough, I'm going to feel like a tool.

"You do?" She never believes me.

"Of course I do. I always miss you," I murmur and my stomach twists, like there's a goddamn hornet's nest bumbling around in there. Jesus, Edward. Get a fucking grip.

"I miss you too." And the hornets rest. For now.

"You know, they've developed a video phone. It's only fifteen hundred dollars," I joke.

"That's kind of creepy. I don't want people watching me while I'm talking on the phone."

"Oh really? Why's that? What exactly do you not want people to see, Bella?" I say suggestively and instantly I'm imagining her cut-offs, her hands running under her shirt and between her tan legs.

"Nothing!" she says exasperated. "I just wouldn't want to sit in front of a camera while I talk on the phone. I like to multitask." And I'm pitching a tent.

"I bet you do. I want a video phone more than ever now. I wouldn't mind watching you multitask."

"That's not what I meant." She sounds flustered. She's probably blushing. I bet she smells like sunblock. And sweat. God, I want to touch her.

"Bella, are you multitasking right now?" I ask in my sexiest voice but it falls on inattentive ears.

"Hold on," she says and covers the receiver. It's Jacob. She only covers the receiver when he's in the office. And now that he works there, he's been in the office a lot. It makes me want to punch things.

Just then the call waiting beeps. Shit!

I ignore it because I think Bella just called him a dick. I want to eavesdrop on their conversation but the beeping is incessant. Fucker will not take a hint! This better be important. Like zombie apocalypse important.

"Hello?" I ask in an obviously annoyed tone.

"Edward? It's Carlisle, your father." I snort.

"Thanks for clearing that up, I was wondering-" I start but he keeps talking.

"Did you get those practice tests I dropped off?"

"Yep. I have to go," I stress, and he clears his throat.

"This is important, son. Don't just blow this off. Good scores on this test are vital…" and I tune him out. because I think she's going to hang up.

"…it's imperative because your grades are just not strong enough on their own."

"Dad!" I shout, and he finally shuts up. "I'll be there."

"Good," he says and hesitancy hangs in the static between us. He doesn't know how to respond. He's anticipating more of a fight.

Not today old man.

"Is that all?" I ask, anxious as fuck to try to get back to Bella.

"Yes, I suppose. Good night, Son." There's a click and he's gone.

"Bella?" I ask and the line is dead. I quickly redial the marina but the phone just rings and rings. Shit! She's probably pissed.

I try the number one more time before I walk out into the living room. They're watching some stupid ass cartoon. The animation is shit and my eyes blur as I try to abate the swell of anxiety taking root in my chest.

"Is that a cat?" Mike asks.

"I'm not sure. If that's a cat, then what's the other one?" Alice tilts her head to the side, her lips pursed in contemplation.

"It's a rat," Mike says confidently.

"It's a Chihuahua you idiot," Jasper says.

"No it's not. I bet you twenty dollars that's a rat," Mike says.

"You already owe me twenty, dude," Jasper laughs. "You got no credit at the bank of Jasper."

"Double or nothing, that's a damn rat!" Mike says as he holds out his hand.

"Fine, but you'll need to submit documentation." They shake hands and I roll my eyes. This is the kind of trivial shit they have to worry about. Cartoon characters. It's such a fucking joke.

I need another beer. I walk into the kitchen and there they are on the table, my shrink wrapped ticket to excellence. I feel like they're mocking me. Go on, open us, it's not like we'll really help. No matter what, he'll always win.

"You know, I think I will go camping with you guys this week," I tell Mike as I sit on the couch.

"Right on, man!" he cheers and smacks me on the back.

"What about your test?" Jasper asks and I shrug. God, now them too? It's like a joke. How many people does it take to get Eddie into medical school?

"I'm not worried," Mike says confidently. "You always were the smartest fucker in school. You'll obliterate that test."

I _was_ the smartest fucker in school. I don't need to practice to take a test. I mean, essentially isn't that what these last four years of college have been?

I go camping with Mike and his friends that week, but no one I know. I like the fresh company. I'm just Mike's friend Edward and it's cool. I don't think about the test or my dad or the next four to six years of medical school.

But I do think about her. It's cold as fuck and all I can think about is how warm she always is. Everything about her is heat. I fall asleep pretending I'm sleeping next to her on the shore of Australia instead of freezing my ass off in a tent with three other dudes.

It's only after I get to the testing site that I realize how unprepared I am. I'm smart and I'd probably do okay in comparison to Joe Dickhead, but I'm up against other students just like me, better than me, and they are freaking out. I think one girl puked in the bathroom, and from the moment I crack that test booklet, I know I'm screwed.

The spring semester starts and I drag my ass to class. I should be feeling some kind of accomplishment or whatever because technically, this is the last semester of my undergraduate degree. But all I feel is dread.

I find a seat in the large auditorium. This chick that I think I hooked up with sits next to me.

"Hey, Cullen," she says as she invades my personal space.

"Hey," I say and I cannot for the life of me remember her fucking name. Martha? Mary? Marcia? I know it's an m-word.

"You're a biology major?" I ask her and she stares at me in disbelief.

"Really? I've had a class with you almost every semester."

"Oh yeah, sure. It was a joke," I try to cover but she rolls her eyes. Thankfully, the professor walks in at that moment and I suddenly remember why I waited until now to take this class.

The teacher's a tall, gangly guy in his mid-forties with sandy hair he's always brushing out of his face and some western European accent that I think might be fake. I know him. I've met him before, at my dad's Christmas party last year. He kept arguing with everyone, probably just to hear himself talk. He's a total prick.

"You are about to embark on a journey into the depths and complexities of the cellular and molecular biology of genetic disease. If you are in the wrong place, get out. If you think you can't handle this class, get out. If you have any doubts about your competency as a student of science, get out." Professor Caius looks directly at me as he delivers his diatribe and I can't help but smirk. Was that supposed to be intimidating?

He passes out the syllabus and I skim through the course content. Typical shit, lecture, reading, lab, research paper, three exams. And then I see the textbook.

The Molecular Biology of the Cell by Dr. Carlisle Cullen.

"Hey, your dad wrote the text." M-girl makes the observation of the year. I can't even give her a dirty look I'm so pissed.

I can't believe I have to read this. It's like making McCartney listen to Yoko on repeat. Or like Hagar being forced to share a mic with David Lee Roth. I stare at his name on the cover and all I can think about is all the times my dad's blown me off to be with this fucking book.

I refuse to read this shit. I've passed classes before without having to crack the text. I'll be fine.

I have to be.

...

Fuck. How the hell did I get a six in verbal reasoning? That's where I thought I did okay!

The sheet shakes in my hand and I'm just thankful no one is home right now. I can't say I'm surprised. But I didn't think I'd completely bomb the test. I thought I made some pretty good guesses.

I quickly fold up my test score report and toss it in the trash. I can still see the black type through the flimsy paper so I bury it below a heap of junk mail and close the lid. My heart is pounding and I'm sweating. I can't stop staring at the trash can.

I wonder if my dad has a paper shredder.

I frantically dig through the trash and pull out the report, tearing the sheet and the envelope into tiny pieces to destroy any evidence. No one can know about this.

Of course, the American Association of Medical Colleges will know. And so will my advisor. She's going to suggest I wait a year to apply. I probably should, but the thought of another year in school makes me want to smash my head against the wall. God, how am I going to make it through this?

"Hey!" Alice calls from the living room and I quickly slam the lid on the trash can shut. She walks into the kitchen, her arms overloaded with packing materials. Jasper's behind her towing a measly roll of packing tape.

"Jesus, Jasper," I say.

"She said she didn't need help," he says defensively.

"I don't need help." She's indignant but doesn't protest when I take the boxes from her.

"So, how's the new place?" I ask and Alice shrugs. She's wearing an old Guns and Roses t-shirt and ratty jeans, her hair slicked back with a stretchy band.

"A disaster. It needs so much work. I'm thinking about buying stock in Home Depot." She unfolds a box, matching the edges as Jasper pulls the tape to secure the bottom. They work together, forming the boxes and throwing them into a pile. I pull a bowl from the cabinet and fill it with Lucky Charms.

"Cereal for dinner?" Alice asks and I lean against the counter.

"It's magically delicious," I say through a mouthful of cereal and she laughs.

"Did you get your test results yet?" Jasper asks and I almost choke on my marshmallows.

"Um, no, not yet. Soon," I say quickly, failing to meet their eyes but they don't notice my avoidance. Jasper leans over and kisses Alice's hand before she moves it out of the way as he presses the tape to the cardboard. It's fucking cute and I miss Bella.

"Well, I think you'll be fine. You shouldn't worry. Everything will work out as it should," Alice says.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I snap.

""Nothing, just that you shouldn't try to force things," she holds my gaze, daring me to argue with her.

"Really? Like how you didn't force Jasper to get his own place?" I spit and she narrows her eyes.

"I didn't make him do anything, asshole. He wanted to, right baby?" She doesn't look away from me and Jasper doesn't answer. But it doesn't matter. I know she's right.

"Look, we'll be out of your hair just as soon as we pack our shit." We, like they're a unit or something. Like Jasper hasn't been my best friend since fifth grade when he traded me his Boba Fett action figure for my Darth Vader talking helmet.

She grabs a couple of boxes and storms out of the kitchen and Jasper just stands there. Man, he has no balls.

"She's just str-" he starts but I really don't want to have this conversation right now.

"Dude, it's cool," I say. I'm not hungry any more.

"Look, it's time to move on, you know?" He says and I nod.

"I said it's cool." I dump my bowl in the sink. A river of greenish milk swirls around the drain. A few marshmallows stick to the white porcelain.

"You know, maybe it's time for you to move on too," he says.

"I don't understand," I reply.

"Yes you do. You're miserable man, something's gotta give and it's not gonna be her," he says. I clench my teeth.

"Not a big deal. Doesn't matter." I try to play it cool but I choke on the words.

"Who you trying to convince?" Jasper snorts and rolls his eyes and I hate his arrogant as shit attitude. Like he's got everything all figured out because he's in a long term relationship.

"You know for a smart guy, you sure don't know shit," I bark and shut myself in my room.

Like I can just get over Bella. I've tried. I've spent years fighting it, but it never goes away. All I know is I'm starving for her and pretending she doesn't exist isn't going to change anything.

But his words are true. She doesn't give. Ever. She's a fortress. Hard and guarded and reluctant to bend. All this really means is that I can't be. If she's the rock, then I'll be the stream.

The semester flies by. I don't feel like going to class, so I don't. Instead I sit at home and play Mortal Kombat. Mike leaves me a dozen messages from my advisor and one from this chick I went out with months ago. Nothing from Bella. Of course.

When I finally see my advisor, she's pissed. It's expected.

"You aren't taking this seriously, Edward," she says as she reviews my GPA and test scores. "You won't be accepted with these kinds of marks."

"I know," I say quietly and she spreads the papers out in front of me. Seeing it in writing is so much harder to swallow.

"You know what I think? I think you don't really want to get into medical school and you're blowing it on purpose." She sits back in her chair and I look up sharply. "Am I wrong?"

"I have to get into medical school. I don't have a choice," I say, my head pounding as I lean back and it hurts to breathe.

"Are you okay, Edward? You look like you're going to pass out?"

"I'm fine. I just need to retake the test," I say hoarsely, my chest tight, the air thick.

"I think you're having a panic attack. I think you need to relax a minute," she says and I close my eyes. Damn, I could really use a joint right now. Fuck my dad and his random drug testing.

"What should I do?" I ask desperately and her eyes are soft.

"I think you should wait. You should take some classes next year to boost your GPA, so you look better on paper. This will also give you time to prepare for the interview." She pauses. "And to figure out if this is what you really want."

"When can I take the test again?" I'm so fucking tired of waiting.

"There's testing until June but you'll have to apply for a late registration. You might want to wait until September."

"I'll take it in June."

"How are your classes?" she asks. I shrug. They're okay. Except for Caius. He took points off my paper last week because I neglected to site sources from my father's text book. Then he required a response to one of the readings that I skipped.

"Dr. Caius mentioned your grades have been less than adequate. He thinks you should drop the class."

"What?" I ask stunned.

"He also thinks you might do well to apply out of state. I'm going to be honest, Edward. If it weren't for your father, I'm not sure if you'd be considered."

"I know," I mutter, my knee bouncing in agitation.

"Stop by Dr. Caius's office. See if there is anything extra you can do to bring your grade up. Show him you're serious about the path you're choosing, that you really want this." She stares at me, like she can see right through me.

Like I'm invisible.

...

"Edward, I was thinking after the commencement ceremony we should have dinner at the Metropolitan." My dad cuts his lamb, the knife between his fingers glides through the tender meat. I slice the head off an asparagus spear and hack the stalk into tiny pieces.

"It's not like I'm actually done with school," I say as I accidentally drop my fork. I don't bother to pick it up.

"This is just the first of many achievements to come, son. But it's an achievement none the less." He sips his wine, blotting his mouth with his pristine white napkin.

"We're really proud of you." Esme's eyes wrinkle and her face is warm.

"Thanks." I pick up a piece of asparagus with my fingers and bite off the head off. My dad sighs in disgust but I keep his gaze until he breaks. And I'm victorious. He hates it when I eat with my fingers.

God, the thought of the smug satisfaction smeared on his face as I walk across that stage makes me sick. It's so fucking patronizing, like he's putting on a damn show.

I take a swig of my beer but my throat feels like it's going to close up. I don't want to go to the commencement ceremony. I don't want to sit there and pretend I have new opportunities ahead of me. It's a joke they're even discussing it.

"I'll make reservations for the five of us. Unless you'll be bringing a date?" My dad doesn't look up from his lamb, the delicate meat falling apart at his knife.

I snort. I haven't had a date in over a year. Not since I left Arizona.

"Five will be fine," I murmur. I'm missing her so much my chest feels empty. I spoke with her just last week, when the Bulls won the championship. We had a bunch of people over for the game and I couldn't really talk but just hearing her voice made me feel full for a minute.

The day of graduation, I wear this new suit my dad had sent over. It's my graduation present. The shiny shoes gleam and I can see myself in them. I look like an imposter, a big fat fake. The tie knotted around my neck feels like a noose and the cuffs of my sleeves are too damn tight. I unfasten the links and I instantly feel better. You can't really tell with the suit jacket on so I leave the cuffs free, pocketing the links as I sit in my car in front of the University.

I'm sitting there, staring at my graduation gown in the front seat and all I can think about is this time I played piano at the Performing Arts Center downtown. I was eight and it was a big deal. I practiced for hours and hours. I was really nervous but I didn't make one mistake. My dad never showed. Instead, I got the old _I'm sorry son, but you know I have deadlines. I have responsibilities, people who are depending on me. _

And all those people mean more to him than I do.

He's been this way for as long as I can remember. He makes promises and he breaks them every time.

Why would this be any different?

I picture my dad on stage, waiting for me to walk up the aisle, waiting to shake my hand and pat my head and tell me what a good boy I've been. I can't do it.

I don't remember starting the ignition and leaving the parking lot. I don't remember driving to the Quicker Liquor on the corner to buy booze. I don't remember driving home to my apartment and drinking until I pass out on the living room floor.

But I'll remember the look on my dad's face when he stormed through my door for the rest of my life.

He's irate, his blue eyes like daggers but there's something else there, something I've never seen before.

Humility.

I humiliated him.

I couldn't care less.

"Who the hell do you think you are? Everyone showed up to watch you graduate, your sisters, your mother."

"She's not my mother," I mumble but every time I open my mouth, I think I'm going to puke. He ignores me. Just like always.

"How could you disgrace us like that? Your actions are completely disrespectful and inconsiderate, to say the least. You should be ashamed of yourself. We were worried sick about you! We thought you'd been harmed."

"Oh come on, Dad! Why can't you just admit it? You're mad because I made you look like a fool. You weren't worried about me. You were worried about your goddamn reputation." I burp and it tastes like Jameson. Breathe, Edward! In through my nose, out through my mouth.

"How many times am I going to have to fix this for you? Why can't you get it through your head? This isn't about me. This is about your future!" He's frustrated, probably the most frustrated I've ever seen him. But it's too late.

"Save it. I don't really give a fuck about my future. It was never my future to begin with. It's what _you_ wanted," I accuse, my hands pulling at my hair. "It's what you've been training me for since I was born, to follow in your footsteps. Do you know how fucked up that is?"

"I've only ever wanted what's best for you. If I've forced anything, it's because I know what you're capable of. You're a Cullen, it's time for you to start acting like it."

"Maybe you're wrong. Maybe you put all your chips in one pot and I folded. Maybe you lose." I roll over and try to sit up. His hand grips my arm as he pulls me up off the floor and tosses me on the couch, like I'm a fucking ragdoll. I'd be impressed by his upper body strength if I didn't hate him so much.

"Maybe I am wrong about you. Then again, maybe you're just an arrogant, spoiled brat, crying from your comfortable castle."

"Yep, just like my father." His eyes narrow, his lips tight as he paces in front of me. It's making me dizzy. I clench my eyes shut but that just makes it worse.

"Do you even understand what an advantage you have? Do you understand how hard I've worked to secure this advantage? And yet you act as if you've suffered. What is so hard about your life? Why are you so miserable?"

"I don't know," I mumble. I can't look him in the face.

It's true. I've had every opportunity at my feet and I've kicked them one by one. A better man would be grateful. But I am spoiled. I am inconsiderate and selfish and arrogant. And he made me this way.

"Look, I know you're stressed about medical school. I understand the challenges you face. But you need to look at this as an investment in your future. You suffer now so you don't have to when you're older."

Yeah, that's bullshit. My future doesn't mean shit.

And I can't see a future with Bella if I'm stuck in fucking Seattle for the next four to six years.

Turns out none of this even matters. After all this shit about whether I should wait to apply to medical school, after the test and dealing with my advisor telling me I'm a screw up every week, none of it matters. Because here I am staring at a big fat D in Cellular and Molecular Biology of Genetic Disease.

Caius fucking failed me.

Alice calls the next day to invite me to a dinner party but I don't go. I don't want to see them. I'm just waiting for my dad to show up and force me to move back home. Caius is probably calling him right now, bragging about how he failed his kid. I avoid him. I avoid them all. Maybe I won't have to deal with this shit. I can take the damn class during summer school and everything will be right with the world.

Fuck! I have to go to fucking summer school.

I have to miss the river.

I have to miss our summer.

What am I going to tell her? She's going to be expecting me. And I'm going to let her down. She's going to hurt and it'll be my fault.

All my limbs are heavy, like there's lead in my veins. And it hurts. My body, it aches. I can't stand the thought of disappointing her.

So I try not to think about it at all.

I spend my days on the couch. I play video games. I order pizza. I don't leave the apartment except to buy weed from James. Fuck my dad's drug tests. It's not like it matters now. James is happy to see me, long time, no see, he says. I have something special for you, a new blend. But he won't take my money. He says it's a birthday gift. I ask him what day it is and he tells me it's the twentieth. I'm supposed to leave for the river in a week. It's my fucking birthday and I forgot.

Apparently so did everyone else.

I go home and smoke a bowl and I'm laying on my bed. The television's on, but I'm not watching it. I keep looking at my pager, I've checked it like fifty times. This song comes on a commercial for AT&T and it sounds just like my pager and my heart jumps into my throat. But it's not her.

God, what the fuck is wrong with me?

There's a knock on my door and I chuck my pager at the television set. It clatters to the floor. I hope it's broken. I kind of wish it would explode.

"Edward? Dude, your dad's in the living room. Edward?" Mike knocks on the door again and I pull a pillow over my face. "Dude, are you in there?"

He knows. It's over. It's all over.

I hear my dad clear his throat. He's in my room. I don't move. I lay as still as I can, hoping he'll think I'm dead and just leave.

"Edward, will you be joining us in Arizona this summer?"

I shove the pillow off of my face. "What?"

"Esme is planning meals for the trip and wants to know if you'll be there. Also, if you're not attending, we'll need to rearrange transportation."

"Is that it? That's all you want to know? If I'm going to the river?"

"Well, are you going or not?" He glances around my room, his face twisting in disapproval. The place is a fucking mess. It probably stinks too.

"Not. I'm taking the summer to prepare for next year. I need to study for the MCAT. And my advisor thinks I should take a few classes this summer to improve my GPA."

My dad tilts his head, his lips press into a thin line before he speaks.

"Is there something wrong with your GPA?" he asks.

"No!" I stutter. "No, I just want to have an edge on the competition."

"Oh." He's surprised, his eyebrows creased. "Well, I'll be expecting your grade report and tox screen before we leave."

"I'll send it over as soon as I get it," I mutter.

"Good." He pauses, his eyes thoughtful, like he's trying to figure something out. He opens his mouth to speak but remains silent. He sighs and turns to leave, but lingers by the door. "It's a shame you can't join us. But I'm impressed by your initiative and desire to succeed. Especially considering what you're sacrificing."

He's talking about her, I know he is. His approval's like rubbing alcohol splashed over an open gash. It fucking burns.

I have to tell her. I need to explain that I'm not just being a dick and blowing her off. As soon as he's gone, I dial her number and the fucking prick answers the phone on like the second ring.

I want to break something. But then I hear her voice.

"Hello?" she says. Oh God, how am I going to do this? How am I going to survive an entire year without her? It's like, every year I'm drowning. I can just see the surface and I can't kick fast enough. And every summer, she pulls me into her lifeboat and I'm safe. I can breathe again.

"Bella?" I choke out.

"Hey," she says. She mumbles something I don't understand.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing. Jacob's an infant," she mutters and it's clear. She's busy.

"Oh." It's silent for what seems like an eternity. "Is this a bad time?"

"Um, kinda, yeah," she whispers and my chest is caving in. "The office is full, if you know what I mean."

"Okay," I say even though it's not okay in the slightest. Nothing is ever okay.

"What's wrong?" she asks. I almost laugh because I don't know where to begin.

"Nothing, I'll talk to you later," I say and hang up the phone.

I'm such a pussy.

I try to be invisible. I go to class. I go home. I don't really see Mike, he works a lot and I'm alone a lot. It's like I've fallen off the face of the planet or some shit. I want to call her. I try. I dial the number dozens of times and I can't bring myself to make the connection. It just doesn't seem like enough, a shitty conversation over thousands of miles. I should be there, to explain to her in person.

This lasts about a month and I can't take it anymore. I have to know what's going on. I have to know what she's doing. She must be fine. I mean, if she missed me, she'd call, wouldn't she?

No. She wouldn't.

So I call her, I dial the number I know by heart, the number I can recite in my sleep and he answers. The fucker. I almost hang up. Almost. And then I think about what a chicken shit that makes me and I suck it up. I can do this.

"Hey Jacob, it's Edward. Is Bella around?" See? That wasn't so hard.

"Edward? Edward who?" he says and I wish I could put my fist down his throat.

"Just get Bella," I spit and he chuckles.

"Oh, this is so satisfying. Just give me a minute to enjoy this moment, will you? I have a feeling I'm going to be thinking about this for a long time," he says.

"Look, asshole, just put her on the phone," I growl.

"I'd love to, but she's out on the water right now. With her boyfriend."

Yeah, wasn't expecting that.

I swallow, but it feels like someone shoved a wad of toilet paper in my mouth.

"Boyfriend?" I say and Jacob sighs pleasantly.

"Yeah, Seth Clearwater, Leah's brother. She said they were going out to the cove. For cliff diving," he says, satisfaction oozing from his voice.

She took him to our cove. To our cliffs. What the fuck? I don't show for one fucking summer and she's already found a replacement? She's the one who never wants to get serious, with her no obligations bullshit. Now she has a fucking boyfriend?

It's not true. He's fucking with me. Pathetic. It's fine. Everything's fine.

Still, my confidence doesn't stop me from hunting down Alice the minute they get home from the river. I call her house every hour and when she finally picks up, her tone is caustic.

"What the hell do you think you are doing, Edward?" she says and I'm caught off guard.

"What do you mean?" I ask. Shit, did she find out about me failing?

"How could you do that to her? You're a bastard, you know that? I'm really glad she's finally moving on. You've had every chance in the world with that girl and you blow it every time," she continues to ramble.

"Wait, what? She's moved on?" Jacob's words ring in my head.

"Yeah, and he's really cute and nice too."

"Did she kiss him?" The words pour from my lips and I don't even have time to worry about how pathetic I sound.

"Of course, he's her boyfriend."

"Does she love him?"

"I don't know, maybe." Her voice seethes with doubt.

"More than me?" I ask.

She hesitates. I know the answer. As much as she doesn't want to stroke my ego right now, she won't lie.

"You know she doesn't," Alice admits. "Why did you do that? I get that medical school is important, but you could have called her. You should have seen her face when I told her you didn't send a present. She was heartbroken."

Holy fuck, her birthday. I forgot her birthday.

"Oh God, Alice," I choke. "I messed up. I messed up really bad, didn't I?"

"Yeah. She's kind of anti-Edward right now."

"Do you think she'll forgive me?"

"I don't know. You're gonna have to do something really special to make this up to her." Alice is quiet for a moment and I'm searching through possible apologetic gestures. None of them are enough.

I need to get her a damn present. Something I can send quickly. Something that reassures her that I'm thinking about her, that I need her as my friend at least.

I'm at the Sonics game. Mike has season tickets and I'm sitting there thinking about how I wish Bella could see this. I wish she could feel the excitement in the air, the electricity buzzing on the back of my neck, the anticipation gurgling in my stomach. I wonder if she's ever experienced anything like this.

I'm in line for beer when I see the sign. Pearl Jam is going to be playing at the arena this month. That'd be a sweet ass show. I think of that song, her song, and it means so much more now. Bella needs to go to this show. Even if it's not with me.

So I go down to the Wherehouse and buy two tickets for the show in Vegas. And I find this card at the drug store. It's the lamest fucking card but it says exactly what I want to say. I send the tickets priority mail, so I know they'll get there.

And then nothing. I don't hear a peep. I thought maybe she'd at least tell Emmett or Rose and they might ask me about it but I don't hear from anyone all month. She must be really, really pissed at me. Maybe she just needs some time, to cool off. Maybe she's distracted, spending time with her boyfriend and shit.

School starts again and I'm enrolled in some prerequisites I need to take care of for the graduate program in Biology. It's temporary, my advisor says, so I'm not just wasting my time until I get accepted into medical school.

I kind of don't give a shit if I ever get accepted.

My hectic schedule is a welcomed distraction. I almost forget that I failed a class last year. I almost forget that I missed a summer with Bella. I forget she has a boyfriend. I pretend everything is fine between us and I'll see her next summer and it will be just like always. I'll tease her mercilessly and she'll pretend to be mad and we'll swim and eat hot dogs on the cove and I can tell her I'm sorry for fucking up. I can tell her how much I missed her, how my life sucks right now and the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of her.

She'll forgive me. She has to. We pinky promised. No matter what.

And then I find out about her mom.

It's the middle of October and everything in my dad's house smells like pumpkin. We're eating dinner and the room buzzes with meaningless chatter. My dad and Jasper talk about financial shit and Esme and Alice chat about holiday plans and I'm trying to tune them all out.

"It's just going to be the five of us for Christmas this year so I was thinking we should go up to the cabin," Esme says, a piece of broccoli speared on the end of her fork.

"Man, I hate it that Rose can't be here," Alice says as she picks the cranberries out of her salad.

"Well, she can't get any more time off. And Emmett's not really up for traveling. Although, I firmly believe you need your friends and family during a crisis." Yeah, this catches my attention.

"What crisis?" I say and all their eyes are on me. Their faces are like a four headed beast morphing in unison from confusion to shock and finally mortification.

"What happened? Somebody tell me. What fucking crisis?" I say through clenched teeth and the room is spinning. I forget how to breathe. Damn you, autonomic nervous system, don't fail me now!

"You didn't tell him?" Alice asks her mom and Esme's mouth is gaping. My dad's silent as he sets down his utensils.

"We thought it best not to trouble him right now. Not while he's preparing for medical school," my dad says calmly and he looks directly at me. "You don't need any added stress. And we all know how you overdramatic you can be."

"Alice?" I ask frantically and her face is plastered with pity.

"Emmett and Bella's mom was in a car accident. Last month. She didn't make it," Alice says softly and I'm gasping for air. Her mom is dead. And I left her alone.

I sent her concert tickets and that stupid fucking card. Oh my God, she must think I'm a complete asshole. Worse than an asshole.

And it's all his fucking fault.

"How could you not tell me this?" I roar as I push my chair away from the table and I'm on my feet. The wood legs clatter against the tile floor, china and gold plated silverware chimes as the table trembles. I want to attack him. I can visualize my fist colliding with his face and I crave it.

Jasper recognizes my rage and he steps in between us. "Take a walk, man," he says, his fist clutching the front of my shirt as he forces me from the room. I storm out of the house and pace around the backyard.

She hates me. No wonder she hasn't called. It's done, it's over. She'll never forgive me now.

Can I really blame her?

I stay on the porch until my teeth knock together. My dad walks outside and I ignore him. I don't want to hear his lame ass excuses or his demented reasoning. He's fucked up. And I'm done being a pawn in his little game.

"Edward, I'd like to discuss this in my office," he says and I want to make him freeze his balls off outside but I can't feel my toes anymore. I follow him up the stairs and into his office. He sits at his desk and motions for me to have a seat but I'm too keyed up to sit.

"I need to explain to her… I should… I should be there, right now with her. How could you do this? Why… I mean, do you really hate me that much?" I pace as I ramble. I can't hold back any longer. This shit has gone on long enough.

He's calm and controlled, just like always. He moves to his safe and spins a code, the click of the latch echoing in the hollow space.

"You failed," he says as he pulls a thick manila envelope from the cavity in the wall. So he knows about my class. Or the test. Or both. I can't find it within myself to care. It's all meaningless now anyway.

I stand before him, and I feel like I'm in one of those old westerns, like he's going to whip out a pistol and blow me away. Like in Back to the Future. I should have fashioned a bullet proof vest from a tray. Or an iron stove door.

The thought of this makes me laugh and I can't help the smirk that breaks on my face.

"You think this is funny?" He says as he pulls the paperwork from the envelope. "This is the problem with you, Edward. You think school is a big joke. You spend all your time fantasizing about a girl yet you have no clue what's at stake."

"Why are you acting surprised, Dad? It's not like you haven't been expecting this all along. Face it, your kid's a fuck up," I spit and he's unaffected.

"Do you know what this is, son?" He throws down the stack of papers.

"My grade report?" I guess. "My tox screen? Test results? Phone records? I don't know, what other ways have you been invading my privacy?"

"It's a trust. It was your mother's." He sits down at his desk, his fingers brushing over the type.

"Yeah, big fucking deal," I say. I've always known my mom came from a very wealthy family. They both did. If he's expecting me to be surprised by dollar signs now, he's a bigger asshole than I thought.

"It is quite a big deal, Edward. You see, when your mother... realized... that she wouldn't get to see you become a man, she asked me..." my dad trails off, his voice broken and labored.

"What? What did she want?" I ask quietly and he leafs cautiously through the document, like it's going to fall apart in his fingers.

"Make sure he practices piano, she said. Don't let him give it up." He sits at the table, his eyes always on the print.

"Teach him to be a gentleman. Make sure he knows how to treat a lady."

"And make him go to school. Promise me, she said, that he'll finish. Make sure he goes all the way." He hands the document to me and I read.

"The sole beneficiary will receive the funds upon completion of a doctorate degree." I look up at my dad and his eyes are mist. "What does this mean?"

"She knew what it would take, that it would be hard. That you might get distracted." He smiles suddenly, chuckling to himself. "It was supposed to be an incentive, so you could start your own practice directly after completion of medical school. Edward, she watched me struggle. She watched me fail and she knew, somehow she knew you'd have the same shortcomings. I know we rarely see eye to eye, but we're more alike than you realize."

I snort, his comparison beyond ridiculous. "How do you figure?"

"We'd both do anything for the ones we love." He gazes at me knowingly and I understand. Bella. I'd give up everything if it meant we could be together, if it would make her love me enough.

"How much?" I ask.

"Enough," he says. "I'm not sure of the exact balance because of the accruing interest. But funds would not be a concern. You could do anything, go anywhere."

He pauses, his hands folded on the desk as he stares at me intently. "You could buy your own damn marina, if you wanted to."

I'm silent as his words soak in. The plan solidifies in my head before I can even fully comprehend it but one thing is abundantly clear.

The trust. It's the key to everything.

And for once, my father and I seem to agree.

**…**

**A/N:**

**SubtlePen**, **htothem/h32mh32m** and **Lightstardusting** gave this baby the stiff red pen. They're phenomenal, give them love.

Big smooshy hugs and kisses to all of you.


	4. 1994

**EPOV 1994 - In the words of Michael Jordan "I'm Back"**

**...**

"They're renovating the Coliseum." Mike sends me a spinning pass. It just started raining and I inhale wet asphalt and rubber. God, I love that smell.

"Yeah, starting in June, right? Sonics are going to play in fucking Tacoma." I pull back for an easy jumper. Swish. Still got it.

"Could be worse. They could be leaving Washington altogether." Mike catches the rebound and sends me the ball. "You want to head down there for training camp? Check out some exhibition games?"

"Can't." I let the ball roll off my fingertips and it hits the rim. It spins a few times and drops in. Damn, I'm good.

"A flusher. Nice!" Mike grabs the ball and dribbles out onto the court. "School and stuff?"

"Yeah." Heavy emphasis on the stuff.

"You got plans this summer?"

"Yep."

I steal the ball from his inattentive ass. Pull back, shoot. Nothing but net.

"I'm going to the river."

I've been laying low this year. Trying to get my GPA presentable, studying for that abysmal test. After my dad told me about my mom's money, everything just kind of cleared up. Like when you clean your sunglasses.

I could focus.

I know money doesn't buy happiness and all that shit, but let's be honest, it makes things a hell of a lot easier. My dad's right. I'll be able to go anywhere. And Bella won't have any excuses.

"You got a speech planned?" Mike asks.

"I don't need a speech. I have an arsenal of charisma tucked away. She'll forgive me." It's an act.

"She might punch you," he says. This makes me laugh.

"She _will_ punch me. No might about it." I wipe my mouth on the sleeve of my shirt.

"Can I ask you something?" He dribbles. It's a distraction.

"Shoot."

"Why bother? I don't know a chick worth ten years of blue balls."

"That's because you don't really _know_ any chicks." And I've confused him.

"It's like…have you ever had a dream right before you wake up? It's the best fucking dream. You just feel light and warm, like pure happiness. You know you're dreaming but you try your damnedest not to wake up because you don't want it to be over. You don't want to lose that feeling."

He stands there, a dumbass look on his face.

"That's what this chick is to me. That feeling."

"Wow, that is just…so fucking corny, dude!" He laughs and tosses me the ball and I roll my eyes. I dribble and pull back for a clean jumper.

"Nah, I get it," Mike says as he retrieves the rebound. "She's the Scottie Pippen to your MJ."

Shit. Why didn't I think of that?

"She's exactly like my Scottie Pippen."

The semester ends and I'm exhausted but it's worth it when I see my grades. My dad calls to congratulate me. I don't have to piss in a cup this semester. I guess he doesn't need it anymore, now that he's got this carrot to dangle. He knows I won't fuck up this time.

The week before we leave for the river, I start to get nervous. I get a haircut and it's too short. It makes me feel exposed. Naked.

I don't know what I'm going to say to her.

What if she won't speak to me?

What if she still has that boyfriend?

I've thought about climbing in her window like normal and pretending everything's fine. It's always been so easy to pick up where we left off. Like I never left at all.

She's not going to let that happen. She's going to put me through hell.

I go shopping with Alice to find a really nice birthday gift for Bella, but she's no help at all. She's bitching about Jasper again. He has this fancy job now and he doesn't appreciate what she does around the house. How she cleans his piss off the toilet and his hair out of the drains. She's not his maid. Blah, blah, blah…

"There's this new chick working at his office. Her name is Rio. Rio, Edward! And Jasper tells me, he thinks that's a cool name for a girl and that if he has a kid, he wants to name it Rio. And I'm like, are you serious? And he's like, yeah, you know like the Duran Duran song? No shit, I say and now he's all pissed at me because I made him feel stupid or whatever. He says I'm always cutting him down. Do you think I'm too critical?"

I don't know what to say. It doesn't matter. She doesn't want an answer.

"You should get Bella jewelry. But not a ring," she says.

"Why not?"

"Boys should not buy their girlfriends rings unless it means something." It sounds like a threat.

"Touchy subject?" I ask.

"It's like a consolation prize!" She defends, her hands flying through the air. "What kind of mindfuck is that? _I love you, just not as long as we both shall live_."

"Did Jasper really say that?" I ask.

"No, but that's what he meant," she grumbles.

"What about a bag for all her photography stuff? Like a nice, leather tote or something," she suggests and I sigh. It's impersonal, indifferent.

It's not enough.

"Or maybe you could just get your head out of your ass and tell the girl you love her already," she says as she motions to the Starbucks on the corner. "Do you want to get a coffee?"

"What? I…I can't…"

"You can't get a coffee?" she chuckles. She's fucking with me. "Seriously, why can't you just tell her?"

"She already knows. I love yous don't just magically fix everything," I say as I hold the glass door open for her.

"You'd be surprised," she says.

"I'll be surprised if she even lets me explain." It's warm in the coffee shop. Stuffy. I can hardly breathe.

"Don't explain. Just tell her the truth."

"The truth?" I scoff. "The truth is humiliating."

"You kind of deserve to be humiliated. At least a little," she grins and I can't protest. "You better bring lots of sunblock."

"Why's that?" I ask. I always bring lots of sunblock.

"It's been almost two years since you've been out in the heat. I have a feeling you're going to get burned."

Yeah, me too.

...

"I said I don't want to talk about it, Mom," Alice grits her teeth and wads up the pillow under her head.

We're almost to Reno. The Mercedes is a tomb. Esme and my dad had a big fight right before we left, something about this new study he took over and Jasper fucking bailed on me this year. Alice is sulking and I think she's on the rag because she's been stuffing her face since we left Seattle. She ate all my Pringles. And I have to piss.

"Honey, this is how relationships work. It's a balance of mending and bending. You'll get through it. You and Jasper will be fine," Esme presses. She turns around in her seat and smiles, warm and apologetic. She's just trying to help but Alice's lips curl and twitch.

"Uh-huh, got it, thanks," Alice dismisses and Esme turns away. She stares at the side of my father's face but he's checked out. Focused. On the road. On the static blaring from the speakers. On anything but us.

"Maybe you'll have phone service at the hotel," Esme says, trying to reassure him. Or appease him. She tries a lot.

"It doesn't matter," he snaps. "It's too late. I'm sure the meeting's over. There's no point now."

Their voices are low, like we can't hear them when they whisper. I glance at Alice but she's hypnotized by the race of dirt and rock and dry brush outside the window.

"I thought this is what you wanted. To get away from your meetings and schedules. I thought _that_ was the point," Esme bites back.

"You're right. It's not a problem." He's indifferent. Lacks affect.

"Then stop acting like it _is_," Esme hisses and he broods, like he's sixteen or something. No one understands him.

We spend the night in Reno and we're back on the road early. My stomach's all knotted, various scenarios running through my head.

I picture her hitting me in the face.

I crave it.

She might yell at me.

I hope she rips my head off.

Fuck, what if she ignores me?

I can't handle that shit. Not from her.

We pull off the highway, onto that craptastic mile of cracked pavement and my heart is jumping around behind my ribs.

"Dude, relax. What's the worst that could happen?" Alice whispers beside me. It doesn't help.

We pull into the marina and fuck me, there she is. The cart she's driving slows and I watch her eyes widen as she sees my dad's car crawl along the gravel road. She's wearing a white tank top and tiny plaid shorts and I can see the stings of her bikini tied around her neck. Her hair's tied up in a messy bun on top of her head. She sets her jaw and her eyes fall and she's just Bella. Nothing's changed but everything's different. She's different and I hate it.

I have to talk to her. Now.

"Stop the car," I say and my dad eases onto the brake. He rolls down the window and I'm frozen. I can't move. Alice looks at me expectantly and then rolls her eyes. She leans between the front seats and shouts out the window.

Enough. Time to man up.

I throw open the door and step outside and the heat smacks me in the face. Her eyes meet mine and for a split second, all I see is relief. Then determination sweeps in and I can see the stubborn flood through her.

"Bella," I say but before I can utter another word she's driving straight for me. I scramble to get out of her way and she's gone in a cloud of dust.

So I run.

I dash through the campground, dodging between trailers and over rocks. My Vans skid across the gravel and I almost slip. I get to the Laundromat just as I see the cart fly around the corner. She slams on the brakes but it's too late. I throw my arms out to absorb the blow and the next thing I know, I'm on the ground.

She tried to run me over.

I don't think I'm hurt, maybe bruised, but _still_.

She fucking tried to run me over.

Before I can get up, her hands are on me. On my chest, my face, my arms. She feels so damn good. I don't stop her. She's calling my name and kneeling beside me and she's worried.

Yeah, she still loves me.

I can't help the grin that stretches across my face and I watch her features turn from concern to contempt.

"You fucking hit me!" I laugh_._

"Whoops," she says with venom.

This just makes me laugh harder. I grab her arm but she yanks free. She swings the sack from the cart and storms into the Laundromat. Like I'm just going to let go.

"Bella, look, I know you're pissed at me," I blurt but she doesn't let me finish.

"Don't act like you know how I feel. You don't know anything about me." Her fists are in my chest and she's pushing. She's pushing hard.

"You're not even gonna give me a chance to explain?"

"You had a whole year to explain! You didn't want to explain shit. And now that it's convenient for you, now you wanna talk? Now? I needed you this year. I needed my best friend. And you were gone."

Every word from her lips stings.

It's all true.

"I know. I'm not going to argue with you."

"Well, good." She's pacing and I want to grab her, hold her still. "Why not?"

"Because you're right. Oh God, Bella, I'm so sorry about your mom."

She's still now. Her mouth gapes and tears puddle and there it is. How much I've hurt her. How much I've let her down.

God, I am complete shit.

"You know then, they told you." She blinks and I beg those tears not to fall but they slide down her cheeks anyway.

"Not until later, after the funeral, after I sent your birthday card, I promise. I wanted to fly down here right away but I had school and I thought maybe you wouldn't want to see me." I try to defend but it's vacant. "Besides, you have that other guy, Seth, or whatever."

She glances up at me, confused. Yeah, I heard about him. Didn't you know? My sister has a big fucking mouth.

"Seth's in Saudi Arabia. And you completely blew me off last summer, so what's it to you which guys I have?"

"You're right, you're allowed to date whoever you want. That's not what this is about."

"What is this about then, Edward? After everything that happened with my brother, shit, after Vegas, how could you just not show?"

Shit, I should have prepared a speech.

"I failed a class, okay? Cellular and Molecular Biology of Human Disease. I had to go summer school. That's why I wasn't here. I had to make that class up, and the summer session was the only time it was offered. I didn't have a choice."

"You could have told me. I would have understood." A fact that only makes sense now. Motherfucking hindsight, you goddamn bitch.

"I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want my dad to find out. I told him I was staying home to study for the MCAT and taking an extra course over the summer so I'd have an edge on the competition. Do you know the Medical Center on average has over four thousand applicants? Do you know how many they accept? Two hundred. Do you know how many of those students fail fucking Biology? Zero. As it is, I'm a whole semester behind and my application is due in November but I won't find out if I even get into medical school until like April or something, so basically I've lost a whole year."

"Well, that makes two of us," she spits.

"You don't understand. My dad expects so much. I mean, it's humiliating when your dad's name is on the fucking text book and you can't pass the class."

"I don't see what the big deal is. So you have to wait a year, who cares?" It's an invitation to lay it all out. To tell her everything.

But in case you haven't noticed, I'm a chicken shit.

"I'm tired of waiting for my life to start. There are things I want to do and I can't do them until this is done. It's incredibly frustrating."

"You still should have told me," she says and she crosses her arms.

"I know. I fucked up and I'm really, really sorry. I didn't realize it until it was too late. Then I sent the card and you didn't respond and I knew it was too late," I choke. I'm not above begging. "Is it too late?"

"You broke my heart, Edward. I can't-"

"Please," I whisper. I reach for her and she repels. "I was wrong, okay? You win, you're right, whatever you want, please. Just don't say you can't. Please?"

"It's not good enough. Your excuse. It's shit." Her head is high, proud.

"I know I was wrong, I know I hurt you and I hate myself because of it. Just tell me what I need to do. What do I need to do to fix this?" She doesn't answer. Or maybe she doesn't know. Maybe nothing can fix this.

I can't lose her.

"You pinky promised. You said we'd always be friends, no matter what." I lean in, my finger pressed into her chest. I can feel the ripple of bones beneath her cotton tank pushing back as she breathes. "Please Bella, I need you to be my friend. You can't not be my friend."

"You can't do that, ignore me for so many months and then just come back and expect everything to be fine. It's not like everything freezes here when you're gone. You can't treat people like that."

"Is it too late?" I whisper and I step closer. She lets me fill the space.

Just touch her, just hold her. Just be there for her now.

"Fuck it, it doesn't matter," I say and I pull her into my chest. She clings to my shirt and she cries and cries. I kiss her forehead and breathe her in and I feel her relax against me.

"It's okay, Bella. Everything's going to be fine."

…

She smokes. Cigarettes. With Leah.

I fucking hate cigarettes.

I hate that every time I hug her I smell it in her hair that used to smell like shampoo and sunblock. She has bangs too. And paints her nails black. Just more reminders that I fucked up. I'm an outsider looking in on her life. A life that I'm fighting like hell to get back in to.

She's not making it easy either. At least she's speaking to me. Yesterday, she let me drive when we took the WaveRunner up to the dam. She wrapped her arms around my waist and let her head rest on my back and it was the greatest day I've had all year.

I ask her to go out on the water for the Fourth and she says she already has plans with Leah. I can tag along, if I'd like. Like I'm just some dude she's taking pity on.

I force myself to ignore my bruised ego.

Bella drives the four of us into Laughlin and it's a madhouse. Alice and Leah are attached at the hip, their hatred for mankind fusing them into one tiny ball of cynicism.

Bella keeps giving me the cold shoulder. She's trying to act tough but I see it when she thinks I'm not looking. She watches me. And she laughs at my jokes.

We get a spot on the Riverwalk and right away the girls want drinks so we head over to the bar inside the casino. I'm standing behind Bella and I can see the hint of her tattoo. Alice told me about it but seeing it is strange. I don't know this part of her.

I pull the neck of her t-shirt toward me and glance down at her back. There it is, a copper sun the size of my fist right between her shoulder blades. It's beautiful. It matches her freckles, almost like it's been there the whole time, a part of her just waiting to show itself.

And she's not wearing a bra.

"Told you," Alice says and Bella whips around.

"Told you what?" Bella asks and it takes every ounce of strength I have not to check out her tits.

"She told me about the tattoos. She said you didn't even cry," I tease and she turns back around, her braid swaying across her back.

"I didn't," she says and I look again. It looks like Australia. Like the red cliffs. The cliffs we jumped from when we first kissed.

The cliffs where she took that Seth guy.

Do not think about her kissing him. Do not think about her touching him. Do not think about her fucking him.

Oh God, what if she fucked him?

"It's like the exact same color as the cliffs in Australia."

Color blurs across the back of her neck. She's blushing. I want to kiss her so bad. Right there. In that curve where her neck slides into her shoulder.

Bella orders three of these huge margaritas and they're horrible. Like cheap tequila and Kool-Aid. I'm about to toss it when I hear a voice that rivals the vileness of the drink.

"Well, look who decided to grace us with his presence. I thought you were too cool for us now, college boy."

I sock that fucker right in his ugly face.

Not really. I act like a grown-up. Only because I don't want to fight in front of the girls. And his brother's with him.

"Jacob, good to see you, man." I hold my hand out and he ignores it.

"She hasn't told you yet," he says. She hasn't told me a lot of things. She hasn't told me anything, actually, and now I'm itching with curiosity. Like the goddamn plague or something. Just like that, I'm infected.

"Hi Sam," Leah says suddenly and I swear there's a collective gasp. They trade insults and Jacob keeps smirking at me. It's making my eye twitch.

We walk back to our chairs and I can't get that asshole out of my head. What could she tell Jacob Black that she can't tell me? It has to be something bad if she can't tell me about it. Here she is, playing all high and mighty, putting me through hell, but holding her secrets.

"What's the matter?" she asks. I don't respond because she already knows the answer.

"I need an ice cream." She's fleeing, avoidance her destination.

Yeah, fuck that.

I follow her through the crowded casino and with every step irritation pounds through the soles of my feet. I feel like a fool. I'm supposed to be her best friend. She knows every embarrassing, shitty thing I've ever done. She knows exactly who I am.

I don't know her at all anymore.

And it kills me.

I don't want to make a scene. I swear to God, I don't. But we all know I can't control myself. So I slide up behind her in line, and ask her quietly.

"What was he talking about, Bella? What haven't you told me?"

She twists her fingers and bites her lip. Visibly uncomfortable.

She's ignoring me.

Which pisses me the fuck off. It's kind of a thing with me.

"Bella, what was he talking about?" I grit my teeth. I get in her face, right in her face_. I'm right here. You can't ignore me. You can't hide from this forever._

She storms off, and you bet your ass I follow her. I'm not going to let this go.

She stops in a hall by the bathrooms and she turns on me. She looks like she's going to puke.

This is bad. This is really fucking bad.

"Look, I was a mess when you didn't show last summer. All this shit had been piling up and then my mom and you sent those fucking concert tickets. I ripped them up, you know. I was so angry with you."

"Is that it? You ripped up concert tickets?"

"Just, let me talk for a second, okay?" She's shaking. Her hands won't stop shaking. "I went to a bar. I was looking for… sex, I guess. I mean, I didn't consciously make the decision, or maybe I did. I can't remember but all I know is I hated you and I wanted… something."

I know what she's going to say. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to _know_ it.

"Jacob showed up."

Red. Walls washed in red.

"I was already completely wasted."

Excuses. Goddamn fucking excuses.

"Just say it, Bella. Just say the fucking words," I growl.

"It was just one time. It didn't mean anything. I was just satisfying an itch," she spits.

"Say it. Say the words, Bella. I want to hear you say it. You can't even say it to my face. How can you say it doesn't mean anything when you can't even say it to my face?" I challenge. I'm pushing her. I know she hates it. But I want the sting now. I want her to hurt me.

And she doesn't disappoint.

"Fine! I fucked him, okay? I was drunk and sad about my mom and disappointed because you let me down and I fucked him. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Why him? You could have anyone you want, Bella. Why Jacob Black?"

"I can't have _anyone I want_. You wouldn't have me, remember? You said no to me. I wanted you so bad and you said no."

I fall against the wall and slide to the floor. She sits next to me. She doesn't smell like cigarettes today. Today she smells like Bella.

"I don't owe you anything, Edward. You don't have any claim on me. I don't belong to you and I can date, or sleep with, whoever I want," she reminds me. I can't argue with her.

"I know," I mutter. "I know I have no reason to be mad. Doesn't stop it from hurting."

I trace the wrinkles of her palm. It's rough and blistered and I want to press it to my face. Inhale her. Kiss her. Breathe her in. And I can't.

"I know," she leans against me. I roll my face into her shoulder, my sweaty skin on hers.

"But if I ever see that fucker again, I'm going to rip his head off."

"It wasn't like that, Edward. I started it. Because I could. Because I'm an awful person and I wanted to hurt someone." She holds my eyes with hers. Like her blistered palm, she's worn, hurt, but tough. The toughest person I know.

"Your not an awful person." I take a deep breath and kiss her nose. "Trust me, I know awful people. Have you met my father?"

I buy Bella ice cream. Strawberry. I see the color seep back into her as she drags the plastic spoon between her lips.

My hand slides into her hair and I squeeze the back of her neck. I want to tell her how sorry I am, how it's all my fault, how I wish I could take it away.

I wish it would have been me.

"What?" she asks and the words are cotton in my throat. Some slot machine goes off somewhere in the casino and there's a kid picking his nose at the table next to us.

Not here.

"Can I have a bite?" I ask and she rolls her eyes. The spoon disappears between her lips again.

"No," she says. "It's mine."

"Come on, Bella. Let me lick your spoon." I wink at her because I'm 98% sure she secretly loves it.

"You are not allowed to lick my spoon," she says but I can see the grin in her cheeks. She piles a huge scoop of the ice cream onto her spoon this time. She's rubbing it in. She's about to put the spoon into her mouth but I grab her wrist and commandeer the bite. I keep the contact, my fingers pressed into her skin, that little buzzing spark humming in the small space between us.

"Your spoon's delicious," I say quietly. Electric.

"Jerk," she breathes. I laugh and press her wrist to my lips.

We find the girls and Alice looks like she's been crying. Leah's eyes are closed, her head in her hands, and I hope to God she doesn't puke in the car.

We load them into the backseat and by the time we get to the marina, they're dead to the world. We drop Leah off at home and get Alice into bed and then it's just us. It's quiet and hotter than hell and just past midnight.

"Do you want to go for a swim?" I don't want to let her go yet.

"I think I'm just going to get some sleep," she says and I nod. Fair enough. She turns toward her place, her hands in her back pockets, her thick braid swinging across her back. But I can't just let her walk away.

"Bella!" I call out to her and she stops.

She turns, her lips pursed, her eyes smiling.

"Are you coming, or what?"

…

"We went to the memorial thing at the Seattle Center," I say and she squints at her computer screen. Her hair's tied up in a knot on top of her head and she's chewing on her pen. "We saw the Current Affair dude. He was trying to interview these people and we were just like, really? No one wants to be interviewed while they're at a fucking memorial, you know?"

"Hey! Language!" Charlie growls from his desk and I mutter an apology. Suddenly he doesn't like foul language.

"I watched Pearl Jam on SNL. Eddie Vedder drew a K on his shirt. Right over his heart. That was pretty cool," Bella says.

"Don't you have work to do?" Charlie barks and Bella gives me a sly grin before focusing on her screen once again.

I try to focus on my practice test but Bella keeps crossing and uncrossing her legs. I watch her shorts creep up her tan thighs, her fingers casually scratching at a spot on her knee.

"Bella, you want a smoke?" Leah peeks her head into the office and my face sours.

"Yeah, gimme a sec. I'll be right out," Bella answers and inside I protest. I tell her not to go. It stinks, it's pointless, it's destroying your lungs. But it's not my place. I don't have any claim on her. I can't tell her what to do.

Like I ever could.

"You coming?" she asks. Like I ever do.

"Nah, I'm good," I say. She nods and walks out the door. I sigh and Charlie grunts as the door swings shut.

I glance up at Charlie and it's awkward as all fuck. He clears his throat and shifts in his squeaky chair. I glance up again and he's staring at me. Shit.

"You still going to school?" he asks.

"Yes, sir," I say because I'm a polite motherfucker. And kissing ass never hurt anyone. "I'm applying to medical school this fall."

"Huh," he says and I don't know how to respond.

I take a deep breath and try to focus on my practice test but there's this ringing in my ear and Charlie's still staring at me.

"You've been sleeping in my house."

He's going to kill me and bury my body out in the desert somewhere. Like Mafia shit.

"She's been through hell. You hurt her, I will end you. Do you understand, son?" He leafs through the paperwork in front of him and I nod.

"What was that?" he asks and I clear my throat again.

"Yes…yes, sir. I understand."

"Good." He stands up and finishes off a bottle of Coke from his desk. With a toss into the wastebasket, he's out the door.

We go see this movie later in the week and I'm thinking it's a comedy or something. It ends up being all sad and shit. The dude's mom dies and Bella's hand is in mine. She's crying and I almost do too. It pisses me off. I'm supposed to be able to protect her and I can't.

She drives us back to the Marina in her mom's BMW and I follow her into her bedroom. I've been sleeping here a lot. And we've been talking a lot. Sometimes, she'll rest her head on my arm and it feels like before.

I pick up her magic eight ball and sit on her bed.

Will the Bulls win another championship? It's the first question that pops into my head.

Likely.

Is Bella ever going to forgive me?

Unknown.

Will I get into medical school?

Outlook not good.

Bella pulls the band from her braid and she shakes out her hair. She pulls a t-shirt and shorts from her drawer and it feels routine. She turns her back to me and changes her shirt and I try like hell to not look. I fail miserably.

I kick off my Vans and pretend to be fixated on telling the future when she plops down on the bed next to me.

"What do you think happens when we die?" she asks and I look up at her. Shit. That came out of nowhere. "I mean, besides the whole decaying body business. Do you think there's a heaven?"

"I used to. I don't know. I have a hard time believing in something that can't be proven, you know?"

"Do you believe we have souls then?" She stretches out on the bed and her legs rest against my arm.

"I believe in energy. It can't be created or destroyed, right? It has to go somewhere. So what if your soul is just energy? And when our bodies can't hold a charge anymore, that energy gets transferred to the next available conduit. Like static electricity."

"Did you just equate my soul to static electricity? Wow, charming, really. You're a regular daddy mack."

"I believe the term you are looking for is mack daddy and yes, I am a master of the macking variety," I say and her face falls. Yeah, that didn't sound right.

"I mean, I used to be. I haven't been macking much lately."

"Oh really, why's that?" She pulls a thread from her quilt. Scratches her arm. She won't look at me.

"I've had other things on my mind," I say.

"School?" she asks.

"Yeah. And other things," I play connect the freckles on her thigh. She's blushing and for the first time in years, I want to write poetry.

"I'm not going to have sex with you," she says in her snotty, try to challenge me, voice.

"Um…okay," I say, my hand over my heart. "I give my word to stop at third."

She rolls her eyes and pulls her hair back into a bun. I watch the lines of her jaw and neck and shoulders flex and bend and tighten. I can't deny it, her proclamation stings. Like my sunburned shoulders.

"I'm just making sure it's clear. Just because I've had sex once doesn't mean I'm going to keep doing it."

And just like that, I want to know. Every detail.

"How did it happen?"

"I really don't want to talk about it, Edward." She gets up to turn off her lamp, the click like the closing of the conversation. Shit, now I feel like a dick.

"I'm sorry. I just…I don't know. I'm an idiot."

She's quiet before she crawls under her quilt. I don't know what that means so I lay down beside her. She doesn't touch me but I can feel her.

It's pitch black in the room and she shifts. She must be going to sleep so I close my eyes and start to drift off when she speaks.

"I was drinking. Heavily. I wanted some control back, you know? I knew what was going to happen if I left that bar with him. I don't really remember much of it. He kept trying to kiss me on the mouth and I kept dodging him. I think I passed out in the middle of it."

"You passed out?" I say and she snorts.

"Yeah. It was really, really bad."

The mattress squeaks and I feel her turn. I inch my arm out, trying to see how far from me she is. I feel it as soon as our skin connects. Energy.

"I was really disgusted with myself afterward but it's over and done with. People fuck up, you know?"

"I really fucked up, Bella. I fucked up big. I hate myself because of it. I'm so, so sorry." I tug at the hem of her t-shirt. It's thin and frayed and my fingers graze the skin of her stomach.

"Alright, stop it!" she says and I yank my hand away.

"I'm sorry-" I start and she cuts me off.

"Not that, you idiot. The sulking and self pity shit. I'm not going to be able to hang around with you if you keep apologizing. It's done." She scoots closer to me and I can feel her breathing on my neck.

"Do you still miss your mom?" she whispers and I let my hand creep across her back.

"I think I miss the idea of her. I miss what my life would have been like with her. Everything would be different, everything. I don't remember her, though. Only what I see in pictures."

"Everything happens for a reason, right?" Her hands are on my stomach now, her fingers twisting in the cotton, her face pressed against my neck.

"No. There's no plan. That's a desperate explanation for something we desperately want to understand. But it's simple really. You're born, you try like hell to survive and then you die. Just like every other living thing on this planet."

"So that's it? There's no point to all of this?"

"Of course there's no point."

"Then why are you going to medical school? Why bother?" She's rigid, her palms flat against my chest.

"I guess I just want my pointless journey to be as satisfying as possible. This will give me those opportunities."

She's very still and I think she fell asleep. I scoot closer and she lets her body press against mine. Then she rubs her feet together and her arm settles on my side.

"My mom was never satisfied. She was always looking for something bigger, something more meaningful. I mean, she had us, Emmett and me. And my dad. We weren't enough. I have no idea who she was, you know? I knew her for a week every month and it was all a show. Like the pictures of your mom. That's all I know of her, those…snapshots in time."

"That's all you really know of anyone. But sometimes, when you put them together, it's one hell of an album, you know."

"Maybe that's the point then. That album?" she's breathing on my neck and I'm starting to get hard. I mean her fucking tits are pressed against my arm.

"Maybe," I say and before I know it, her lips are on mine. They consume and I let them. I let her do whatever she wants. Fuck, it feels good too. Like I can finally breathe. Like I'm safe. Like I'm in exactly the right place at the right time.

She licks at my lips and I let her in. My hands sprawl across her back and right down to her fucking tiny shorts and I grip her ass. Goddamn, I love her ass.

Her mouth is everywhere. It burns and then it freezes. Hot and then cold all along my jaw, my earlobe, my neck and then she's pushing up my shirt. Her fingers are on my waistband. This is getting really heavy, really fast.

"Whoa, Bella, wait…just…just wait," I say and she pretends she can't hear me. She pulls on the waistband of my shorts and I grab her hand.

"I thought you said you weren't going to have sex with me?" I say and she sighs.

"I'm not. I didn't say we couldn't do other stuff."

Jesus, I want her hand in my pants. Instead, she rolls on top of me and her bed creaks. She freezes and I can feel her breathing, her chest sinking into me with every breath.

"Music," she whispers and she disappears. A moment later a soft melody streams and she's back on my lap. She leans down and her tongue's in my mouth again. But I'm distracted.

"Is that…are you listening to Phil Collins?"

"No," she says indignantly. "It's Genesis."

"What are you, living in a time warp or something?" I hear her scoff.

"What? It's classic," she argues.

"Classic doesn't mean good. You know what else is classic? Powdered wigs."

"Come on, it's a little romantic." She shifts her hips and grinds her ass against my dick. She pushes up my shirt and bends her face to my ear.

"Take this off," she whispers and I let her pull the t-shirt over my head. Maybe I should stop her.

Her hands graze over my chest to my shoulders and she's still moving her hips. Maybe I should slow down.

She's kissing me again and her hands are in my hair and she pulls. Hard. Her mouth is hot and soft and wet, like caramel or something and she drags her lips down my neck.

"Put your hands on me," she says and my hands run up her thighs. I could have my fingers inside her in a heartbeat. If she'd let me.

Her lips move to my chest and she's sliding down, her naked thighs against my legs. She grinds down onto my thigh, her tongue on my nipple and I can feel the heat radiating. She's wet. Oh God, I have to stop.

Maybe I should just shut the fuck up. I mean, she's a big girl, right? She'd stop if she wanted to. Right?

Her lips are on my stomach now and her fingers are pulling at my shorts and it takes me a minute to figure out what she's trying to do.

"Wait, don't…I can't-"

"Oral isn't sex, Cosmo said so."

"I just, I don't want-"

"No, I get it." she says. She rolls off of me and she's offended.

"No, you don't. I want this. I want it bad. I don't deserve it yet."

"That is ridiculous. Do you think Jacob deserved it?"

"Ouch," I mutter.

"I'm sorry. That's not what I meant."

"I know. I just think we should take our time. And I definitely don't want to be thinking about Jacob Black," I tease.

She scoffs and gives me a shove and all offenses are forgiven. She curls into my side, her arms wrap around my bicep, and she kisses my shoulder.

"You have nice arms," she says.

"Do they turn you on? Feel that bulge?" I say as I flex. "You like that, don't you? Kiss it, Bella. You know you want to."

"Yeah, you killed it. I'm going to sleep," she turns over and I wrap her up, squeezing her a bit too tight as indicated by her gasping for air.

"Oh, sorry, are my huge, sexy biceps in the way? I'll try to hold back. I wouldn't want to accidentally break a rib or something with my huge, sexy, manly biceps."

"Goodnight, Edward," she says and I can tell she's trying not to laugh.

"Goodnight, Bella. Goodnight, biceps." She snorts and my job here is done.

In the morning, I walk back to my place and it's already hot out. Esme's on the couch. It looks like she slept there. She glances up at me through her reading glasses. She looks tired.

"Edward, good morning," she says and I give a slight wave. "You were with Bella."

It's not a question. She's looking at me now and I feel like I need to explain. Like I'm not a fully grown man.

"Yeah, I fell asleep," I say and she doesn't look convinced. I smooth my hair, trying to…fuck, I don't know. Make myself more presentable.

"Does Charlie know that you're spending the night in his daughter's bedroom?" she asks calmly and I force an exhale.

"Would you have known if some guy was sleeping in your daughter's bedroom?" I ask innocently.

"Well, I just think it would be very gentlemanly of you to address your relationship with Charlie. It's just disrespectful to go around sneaking into people's homes. Especially people you might be related to one day." She winks at me and smiles and my face is hot. How does she do that?

I start for my room. I plan on collapsing until noon, at least.

"Edward," Esme says and I turn in the doorway. "I'm really glad you came to the river this year."

"Thanks," I say awkwardly. "Me too."

"I know he doesn't always show it, but it means a lot to your dad."

"I know," I mumble. I turn away and she stops me again.

"Edward," she chokes. "I'm really sorry, for- just for everything. I'm sorry."

I swallow. Her eyes are mute. I remember when they sparkled.

"I know." My voice cracks and she turns back to her book.

I crash on my bed and I sleep hard. I don't wake up until Alice barges in my room.

"Three days, Edward! He hasn't been home for three days. Where could he be? What if something happened to him? What if he's with someone else?" She's pacing. And yelling. Two things I cannot handle upon being jolted out of a deep sleep.

"Who?" I ask.

"Who do you think? Jasper!" I rub my eyes and look at the clock. It's after eleven.

"Where is everybody?" I ask.

"On the water." She sits on the foot of my bed. "I'm really worried about him."

"He's probably working. Or maybe he went to stay with his parents. You know how he doesn't like to be alone. Ever since we watched "IT" he's been afraid of the dark. And clowns."

"I called at midnight, so I know he's not at work." She folds her arms. "And I already tried his parents."

"I thought this was what you wanted, to have a summer without him?" I ask. Her expression makes it clear I'm very wrong.

"Of course I don't want to be without him! I just want him to _think_ I want to be without him. So he'll miss me. And realize what a fine catch I am. He's supposed to be at home pining for me!"

"Did you tell him that?" I laugh and she scowls. I'm not taking her plight seriously.

"He has to figure it out for himself. He'll never appreciate me if I have to ask for it," she says, like it's terribly obvious and I'm an idiot for not knowing this.

"Look, there's no point in worrying about it now. Just…stop calling and hanging up. That's kind of creepy," I grin.

"You would know. Last summer, Charlie almost changed the number. Thought you were some pervy creep. Oh wait…" She grins and I nudge her with my foot.

"Wow, you're clever," I tease. "Do you feel better now? Did that give your self-esteem a little boost?"

"You know, I do feel better. Thanks, bro!" She smiles and pats my foot and I roll back over.

"Yeah, yeah," I mutter and she bounces off the bed.

"You going out on the water today?"

"Maybe later. I promised Bella a night ride."

"So, things okay with you two?"

"Yeah, I guess," I rub my eyes with my palms.

"You guess?"

"Fuck, Alice, I don't know. It's easy, you know? Being with her is like...breathing. It just happens. It's automatic."

"That's really special, Edward," she says, her blue eyes intense. "Not everyone has a love like that. Don't fuck it up again."

She doesn't wait for a response, just turns and leaves me with the warning.

I should tell Bella I love her already. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea now. Now that I'm here with her. Now that we're making out and dry humping every night. Now that I think she might love me too.

I slip on my Vans and step out onto the porch and the sun is intense. I put on my sunglasses and push my sweaty hair out of my eyes. It already needs cut again.

I turn onto the sidewalk and I see Jacob Black going into the office. What the fuck does he need in the office? It's not like any of the other maintenance people hang around in there. They all get their checks in the mail.

He's harassing her. I pace outside the door, trying to decide if I should interrupt. Or rescue. Or assault.

As I'm about to open the door, he walks out with that stupid smirk on his face and he gives me a nod. I don't return the greeting, just stare him down as he passes.

"Relax, I was just picking up my check. She's all yours," he sneers. I wonder if Charlie would kick me out of the marina for punching one of his employees? It might be worth it to find out.

"She always has been," I retort and his eyes darken. He tries to hide it but I see it. Hurt. Pain. Burning and broken.

He loves her. He really does. He can't accept that she doesn't want him. That she wants me instead.

Because she wants me. She really does.

I walk into the office and Bella's on the phone. It sounds like Emmett, so I bug her until she hangs up. I drag her out of the office and she lets me, even though she's not off for another couple hours. Yeah, she loves me.

We walk down to the boat and that douche is working on the dock. He's staring us down and we're holding hands, like we're together. I want to rub it in his face. See? She wants me, not you. She loves me.

So I wink at him and give him a grin. I'm sure I look cocky as all fuck but I don't give a shit because Bella's holding my hand.

Of course, he doesn't let us just pass. Says something about fucking Bella when I leave and I'm irate. I don't even know what I'm saying but I'm in his face.

Then he says it.

"She was tight too."

And a monster's unleashed. I cock back and I punch him right in the face. He goes down and my hand is throbbing and there's blood. Goddamn, that fucker has a hard head.

We get to the boat and I shove my hand into the ice chest. I think I broke something. My hand's already swelling up and my knuckles are bruised. But it was so worth it. I've wanted to do that for years.

"Can you wiggle your fingers?" Bella asks and I smile. She's holding my hand in hers and she's being really gentle about it.

"What? I'm trying to be nurturing and shit!" I laugh because there's the Bella I know. My Bella.

She leans in and lays one on me. She licks and sucks at my lips and tongue and I almost want to tease her about playing into the damsel in distress shit.

"You didn't have to hit him, you know," she says, her hands cradling mine.

"Hey, eventually, somebody was gonna do it. That douche doesn't know when to shut his trap," I shrug. "I'm kinda glad it got to be me."

"For the record, I could have punched him too, but I was frozen in shock," she says. It's weird to see the conflict within her. Part of her is my snotty best friend with a mean right hook. And part is a sweet and gentle woman. I wonder what other parts of Bella there are. Parts I haven't seen yet.

"I know." I push her hair behind her ear.

"So, I was thinking," I start and her fingers are tickling my skin. "I brought you a present for your birthday. But I really just wish I could go back in time and change everything about last summer. So I'm giving you a mulligan instead."

"A mulligan?" she asks.

"Yeah, like in golf when you hit a bad shot and you get to try again. A do over."

"A do over? I don't understand," she frowns and I try to clarify.

"I know I let you down and I want to make it up to you. You get one do over of your choice. You want to redo prom, we can go to prom. You want to redo our first kiss, I'll make it happen. You want to redo Vegas, we can do that too," I say. "I just want you to be happy, Bella. In every memory you have of me, I want you to look back and be happy."

"I'm happy right now," she says. She's a bad liar.

"Are you?" I ask.

"I'm happier," she resigns. "And it gets easier every day. It gets easier to miss my mom. It gets easier to accept that the marina is my life now. It gets easier to let down my walls once in a while."

"It gets easier to say goodbye?" I ask and my voice cracks, a fissure in my bravado.

"No. That'll never be easy," she whispers. Just say it. Say the words. I love you. I love you. I love you. Say it, asshole!

"So what happens now?" I ask instead. I have no balls. I'm ball-less.

"I don't know. You have a lot going on this year so why don't we just meet back here next summer and we'll see where we are," she says. "At the very least, we'll be friends."

Friends. Right. Damn, that hurts. Like a sucker punch right to my gut.

"And I still owe you a do over," I cover and she kisses my fingers.

I wrap my arm around her and crush her to my body. Maybe a little too hard because her lips are smushed against my cheek and I can hardly hear her muffled reply. But I don't care. I'm leaving in a week and it'll be a long time before I get to feel her again.

Three hundred and five days to be exact.

...

**A/N:**

Special thanks to sweet** LightStarDusting** for prereading and **Miztrezboo aka Badjujuboo** for her notes too! No Beta on this baby, so please forgive my bad grammar and unnecessary punctuation ;)

The final outtake will be up in a bit. Happy Independence Day!


	5. 1995

**EPOV 1995 – That was the year the Rockets swept the Magic in the Finals. Suck my Olajawon, Shaq!**

**...**

"What the hell?" Alice squints and rolls down her window.

You can see her house from a mile away. It looks like a Hallmark card exploded. Red and pink paper hearts are everywhere. Taped to the windows and door. Tied to the bushes and trees. Staked in the grass along the concrete path. And there's Jasper, camped out on the porch.

We got home from Arizona late and crashed at Dad's. Alice called Jasper as soon as she woke up this morning. No one answered. Obviously, he had shit to do.

"What the hell is he doing?" Alice screeches and I pull into her driveway.

She's beaming, her blue eyes glitter and gloss. Jasper stands as she bolts from my car. I turn off the engine and stay where I am because I really have no place in the love story.

Alice jumps into his arms and he's whispering in her ear and then she's kissing him.

I'm so fucking jealous.

"We're getting married!" she shouts at me.

I guess I should go congratulate them. That'd be the polite thing to do, right? I step out of the car, push my sunglasses up and put on my sincere face.

"Jesus Jasper. Did you cut all these out by hand?" I pull a staked heart from the grass.

"Naw, man, I used the die cut at Esme's school. Told them I was planning a heart attack for my girl. Man, those chicks ate that up. You should jump on that train, brother."

"He's back with Bella," Alice says. I start to refute but I don't want to. It's not a lie. We're not _not_ back together.

"Happy endings all around then, huh?" Jasper says. I breathe a thousand daggers in my side. Fucking Shakespearean kind of shit.

"Yeah, well, congratulations." I stake the heart back into the ground and turn to leave. Alice runs inside to call her mom, but Jasper isn't going to let me get away that easy.

"She forgave you. Just like that," he says.

"Like there was any doubt," I smirk because it's easier to be a cocky asshole.

"Sometimes you need doubt. To find out what you're really made of." God dammit, I hate it when he goes all Obi Wan on me.

"Yeah, okay. We'll see what you're made of when Bridezilla makes her appearance." I can hear Alice screaming. She must be on the phone with Rose now.

"I'm glad things worked out with Bella," he says and it's genuine. I'm hollow hearing the half-truth.

But things will work out. They have to.

I retake the MCAT in September and I tear that test up. My grades have been kick ass . I might actually be able to pull this off.

Don't call it a comeback, though. I'm not delusional. I know he's the only reason I have an interview.

Yeah, my dad pulled some strings. He is the puppet master.

A brand.

An expectation.

A bias.

Actually, I don't know what these people _really_ think of my father. I mean, I'm pretty sure he's the biggest douche on the planet. It's highly probable one of these dicks does too.

I'm at my interview and they're all staring at me. They don't give a shit about me. They don't think I deserve to be here.

I _don't_ deserve to be here.

I look like I do. I'm wearing my suit. My shoes are shiny. The triangle at my throat is perfection, fucking symmetry.

They heehaw a for a few minutes. Same old shit. Wide grins. Carefree chuckles. Fake as their fucking bleached teeth.

They want to ask me some questions and this is the part I'm ready for. What do you like to do in your free time? Pump up my athletic skills. If you could invite one person to dinner, dead or alive, who would it be? Easy. Michael Jordan. Perseverance, endurance and a badass jumper. He's in it to win it. Just like I am. Bam, I got this shit.

And then "What would you do if you couldn't be a doctor?"

I know the answer right away.

"The marina," I blurt out.

"Pardon?"

I look up and notice the lady in front of me for the first time. Her hair's short, a white blond bob, sprayed perfectly into place. Just like Bella's mom.

"I said, I'd run a marina." I clear my throat as they absorb.

The lady's penciled eyebrows arch high.

"A marina? Do you sail?" She asks.

"Something like that," I mutter. No use in explaining. They won't get it.

She doesn't look impressed.

"Huh," she clears her throat and eyes the team of inquisitors. One of them, a guy this time, scribbles a few notes on his paper. Possible seaman, it probably says. This makes me want to laugh, but I kill the urge.

"What area do you see yourself focusing on?" His hair and beard are exactly the same color. I bet he dyes them, one of those box kits I always see infomercials for. Gray Be Gone, or some shit.

"Genetic disease." I want to rip my tie off. They're waiting for more. I don't have anything else to give.

"Okay, one final question. In your own words, why should you be admitted to our program?"

"I shouldn't," I say in an instant.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said, I shouldn't. My GPA is average, I failed Biology, and my test scores are a take two. That paper says I'm a terrible candidate. But it also says that I'm dedicated. I've sacrificed everything to make this my top priority. I won't let you down, sir."

Cue Oscar music. I'd like to thank the academy.

"Well, it was very nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you for your interest in our program." The dude shakes my hand and I'm ushered out of the room and it's done.

The next month seems like the longest month in history. I call Bella a couple times and she seems genuinely happy to hear from me. Everything seems to be falling into place. Like when you flip a rogue puzzle piece over and over and suddenly, it fits.

So when I get that letter it's like the class bully just pushed my puzzle off the desk. I watch my future fall to the floor in connected clumps.

_Thank you for your interest. We regret to inform you. We are unable to offer._ Classy clichéd alternatives for what they really want to say.

We don't want you.

I have to start all over.

The thought of it literally makes me want to throw up. In fact, I puke. Sure, it's after a pint of vodka and three or seven beers. But I can't live this year again.

I don't want to hear from my dad. I know what he's going to say_. I told you so. You should have listened to me. Now what are you going to do?_

Fuck, what am I going to do?

I spend a couple of days in an intoxicated stupor before I feel like talking to anyone. Alice is the first to call. Of course, it's to tell me that Rose is pregnant and moving back home and oh my God, isn't life grand? Everything is so fucking perfect and I want to put my head through a wall.

"Are you okay?" she asks when enthusiasm eludes me. There's no use in lying to her, she'll see right through it.

"I've been better."

"What happened? Did you fight with Bella?" she asks. I sigh.

"No, Bella's fine."

"Are you going to break up with her? Because if you break up with her after all the shit you put her through, I'm going to kick your ass."

"Alice, stop. It's school stuff, okay? Besides, I can't really break up with someone I'm not technically dating."

"You know what I mean," she says.

I let it drop. I don't tell her. Because then my dad will find out. I can't handle that confrontation yet. The wound is too fresh, still gaping. He'd have me bleeding out in seconds.

It doesn't take him long to find me, though. A week at the most. He stops by my apartment on his way home from the school. I despise the fact that because he pays the rent, he thinks he's allowed to just barge in.

He doesn't say a word. I think he's waiting for me to say something, confide in him, like we're friends.

"Well," he says and I shrug.

"Well what?" I mutter and he shakes his head.

"How did it go?" He asks and I'm pretty sure he knows.

"I don't know, Dad. You probably know more than I do."

He sighs and his face tells me I'm right.

"Your official review indicated that your interview seemed distant, unsociable. Dr. Peters asked about your interests and you skirted the question." He's calm. Matter-of-fact.

"What? That was a misunderstanding." I push my hair out of my face and scratch my chin. I haven't shaved in a week.

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"Fuck, dad. I don't know, I was thinking about the NBA. You know, going pro." I'm being a sarcastic asshole, but I don't give a shit. How can he expect me to plan the rest of my life in a couple days? It's not that easy.

Especially when what I really want, I can't have.

"You should have had a back-up plan. You should have prepared for this. I mean, we all saw it coming." Boom. There it is. He knew I'd fail.

"You're right. Now I've wasted years. Years of my life gone, sucked up by the great black hole of expectation and it's all your fault. Why didn't you tell her no? When she wrote the trust? Why did you go along with this? Did she have you by the balls, or what? Or maybe she was the one with the balls."

Silence. He watches me, and I notice how old he looks. His eyes are wrinkled and creased. His hair sandy gray now. He just looks so worn. Used up. He's given the university the best of what he is. And what's in front of me is what's left over for his family.

"Your mother could have talked me into anything. I could never say no to her. Not because I'm a coward. Not because I'm weak. But because it would please her. Don't you forget that, son. When you're off in your dream world, with your river girl and your delusions of resentment and bitterness. Don't forget that love includes sacrifice. It's not always about getting what you want. Sometimes it's about providing what they need."

Without another word, he storms out of my apartment. The door swings shut behind him and I'm pissed. I wasn't done fighting with him. I want to say more, blame him, blame her. Curse them both for fucking me up royally. But I won't call him. I'd rather tattoo an asshole on my forehead.

So I call Bella instead.

Her voice hits me like a mallet. I taste sherbet, the mixture of sour and sweet flooding my mouth and I almost choke on my saliva. That's when I realize I'm crying.

I've failed her again. Again! Why would she even want me? I'm a complete fuck up. A reject. I should leave her alone, let her move on with her life.

But I don't. Instead, I cling to her, a parachute softening my fall. I call her every day. Sometimes late at night, when I can't sleep, when anxiety swells in my chest.

She always answers. No matter what time it is, she's always there. She babbles about the new Radiohead album or the launch ramp. She's trying to distract me. It's making me crave her more. It's not enough, these generic conversations or my depressed as shit ranting. I need to see her. I need to touch her. I just need to be where she is.

Rose and Emmett move in with my dad and I'm not speaking to him. I'm sure it's no skin off his back. Probably even expected.

Emmett and Jasper come over to make sure I'm still alive and I treat them like shit. They don't complain, though. The soon to be dad and the soon to be groom. They just leave to go plan their perfect lives.

Finally, _finally_, my birthday passes and we head to the river. Alice is on her mobile phone most of the drive, fighting with her wedding coordinator about tulle and place settings or some shit. I feel like my head's going to cave in.

I count the miles until I get to her. I know I'll feel better as soon as I stand beside her heated skin.

"Oh my God, Rose has to pee again. Can you pull off at the next rest stop?" Alice says from the back seat. Jasper's snoring in the seat beside me.

I look in my rearview mirror. Sure enough, my dad's signal's on and he's waving out the window.

"Sure," I mutter and scratch my beard. We get out of the car, and stretch our legs. Throw away trash. There's like a hundred Laffy Taffy wrappers littering the back seat.

"Goddamn stupid phone!" Alice shouts. She's looking for a signal. I don't bother telling her she won't find one out here.

"I hate weddings," she says as she plops down in the grass. Jasper moseys from the car, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and buttoning his pants. He has to sleep with his pants unbuttoned. Says he can't properly relax with his gut all constricted.

"I don't know what to do about a pastor. Or priest. Or an officiant. Whatever they're called. Five hundred dollars for this dude to come give a little speech and hand out some rings. We're not even religious!"

"Get married in Vegas. I can drive through," I joke.

"Oh my God, we should," she says and her face is dead serious. She turns to Jasper. "We should do it. Just like Emmett and Rose. No hassles, no guest lists or squabbling over flowers. Let's just do it!"

Jasper's calm as he considers.

"Can we call my parents first?" he asks and Alice throws her arms around his legs, bringing him to the ground.

"Of course! Oh my God, we're getting married!" Suddenly, Alice gasps and stops her celebrating.

"We should do it at the marina."

"Or on the river."

"On the cliffs. In Australia."

It's been decided. Alice runs off to tell her mom and sister. Jasper scratches his head and exhales.

"Wow. That's a special lady you got there," I joke and he watches her jumping up and down at my dad's Mercedes.

"I know," he says fondly and my chest, it hurts. Four hundred more miles. We'll be at the marina by dusk.

Alice is in planning mode after that. She calls a few friends, Mike, and Jasper's parents, and they're all going to fly in on the third. She decides on the Fourth of July and I'm bitter. That's our date, mine and Bella's.

I start ignoring my dad's blinker and I'm a good hour ahead of them when we pull into the marina. Bella's already at my dad's unit.

I always forget how beautiful she is. I know she's pretty but when I'm away from her for so long, her image really just becomes a feeling.

Then, when I see her again for the first time, it's always the same. Bees in my stomach, like fucking Winnie the Pooh. Remind me never, ever to say that out loud.

"There she is." Alice is practically squealing in the back seat and she's out of the car as soon as I park.

"We're getting married!" Alice yells and throws her arms around Bella. Bella looks surprised but concern quickly clouds her features when her eyes meet mine.

I wait while Alice fills Bella in on Operation Elvis Wedding and then it's my turn to say hello. She smells like sunblock. Just like always. Her arms are tight around me and I can feel her clutching my t-shirt.

"Come on," she says, she pulls my wrist. "You need sugar."

She drops my hand and we walk to the store.

Bella stumbles and I reach out to catch her. She's laughing at herself and it makes me want to hold her. Forever. Her skin is hot, burns into mine but I can't let her go.

By the look on her face, she knows it.

I slide my hand up her arm and across her back. My fingers press into the back of her neck and then she's drooling and I can't help but laugh. Her big brown doe eyes are crossed and I want to kiss her.

Instead, I tug on her ponytail and this time she seeks the connection. Her fingers wind around mine and there it is, a tingle of electricity prickling over my skin.

Leah's in the store and she stares me down while Bella grabs our ice cream. We sit on the swings and it's hot and I'm sweating but my push-up is cold and sweet and tastes like 1983.

"Ice cream really does make everything seem better. For like two whole minutes, things are perfect," I say and Bella grins, a little smudge of chocolate in the corner of her mouth.

Then those words float into my brain. _Upon completion of doctorate degree_. Here I am, next to my touchstone and yet, all I can think about is that damn trust. What nerve. What kind of people would dangle a huge expensive carrot like that? And what kind of dumbass would fall for it?

"Alright, why the sighs?" she says. I didn't even know that was out loud.

"You know why," I snap.

"Well, do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." And I don't. I really don't. But I just can't keep my mouth shut. "I've completely fucked myself over. You realize this, don't you? I can't apply again, I'm too humiliated. What if I get rejected again? I mean, if I wasn't good enough for them now, why would I be good enough next year?"

I know it's not her fault, but the release is cathartic. Like when the earth shifts and relieves pressure. Once the tremor starts, it's damn near impossible to stop.

"There's nothing you can do? You can't like, go down there and plead your case?" Shit, that's laughable.

"What should I say? I'm an idiot and got shit scores on the MCAT? My GPA is crap and I failed a class that my dad wrote the textbook for? Please, put your patient's lives in my very incapable hands," I spit.

"Can you retake the test? Maybe if you get a better score, you'll have a better chance at getting in next year? Or you can try to get in somewhere else, somewhere not so competitive?" She says and it's like a slap in the face. What does she mean by that?

"I already took the test twice. I took extra classes last year to try to boost my GPA but it didn't help. I sucked at my interview too. They said I lack communication skills. I mean, I am great at communicating. God, Bella, you just don't get it!" That's it. I've gone too far. I can hear her rebuttal before the words pass her lips.

"I know, why don't you just go throw yourself in front of a train then you big fucking baby? Shit, Edward, if I didn't know any better, I might think you didn't really want to get into medical school with the way you're making excuses. And I'm not the one who rejected you, okay? So stop insulting me!" Her eyes scorch and her mouth is tight.

"I know," I say immediately. "I'm sorry. I'm just a complete fuck up. I can't do anything right."

"Look, maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe you needed this to happen so you can go on to do something that you really love."

"There is no other option, Bella. I have to become a doctor. You don't know what I'd be walking away from if I fail at this," I say quietly and her eyes narrow. Shit, she's onto me.

"Tell me. What would you be giving up? Money? Social status? A perfect little spot on your daddy's pedestal? I don't understand, Edward."

"I don't expect you too." I'm being evasive and she's pissed.

"Why? Am I too stupid to understand, or something?" I just want to tell her about the trust, but that would lead to a far heavier conversation. I don't know if I could take another rejection right now.

"That's not what I meant," I groan.

"Look, if I let you touch my boob, will it make you feel better?"

My head snaps up. Did that really just come out of her mouth?

"It depends. Over or under your bra?" Color floods her cheeks. And her neck. And her chest. And now I'm staring at her tits.

"Silly boy, you know I'm not wearing a bra," she says and I slide my knee between her tan thighs. Damn, she smells good.

"Yep, I can see that," I whisper and I'm anticipating the taste of her.

"I'd kiss you right now, but you have a woodland creature stuck to your face."

Oh fuck, I should have seen that coming. She's cracking up, cackling at her own joke, and she can hardly breathe.

And seeing her so pleased just makes me soar.

…

"Jesus, you're like a wooly mammoth," Bella mutters as a comb slides against my scalp. She snips, scraps of hair sticking to my shoulders, my swim trunks, my mouth.

"Could you try not to drop that shit in my face? It's in my mouth," I say and she yanks, pain jolting through my scalp. "Ow!"

"Could you try to hold still?" she asks sweetly and now her boobs are in my face. Shit, she's really close too, practically straddling my lap. A bead of sweat slides down between her tits and I want to lick it. I want to lick her sweat.

"You sure you know what you're doing?" I ask warily.

"I've been cutting Dad and Emmett's hair since I was twelve," she says.

"Are you cutting my hair like your dad's?" I ask frantically and she rolls her eyes.

"Just relax. Stop being a baby."

I fiddle with the ties of her shorts, my fingers grazing the skin right above her waistband. Damn, these shorts are short. I could probably stick my fingers right up them.

"Look up," she says. She's concentrating, her eyebrows pinched together, unfazed by my attempts to distract her. Like she doesn't feel my hands on her. Like she doesn't feel anything. I don't like it.

My hands slide to grip her hips, and she's stone-faced. I wonder how much she's going to let me get away with.

I keep moving my hands up her sides and still, she doesn't crack. I'm slowly creeping up her shirt. She's going to let me feel her up.

"I'm going to cut your ear off if you don't stop touching me like that," she says and I grin.

"Well, stop shoving your boobs in my face," I say and she's exasperated. Speechless and beet red.

"You're such an ass," she finally says. "You know, it's not wise to trouble the one holding scissors to your neck."

"Touché, Miss Swan, touché." I spit a scrap of hair from my mouth, and rub my nose but it just makes it worse. "Dammit!"

"Stop touching your face." She combs through my hair now and I close my eyes. She keeps messing with it, pulling and twisting, and then she sighs. "I guess it's done."

"Don't sound so sure of yourself or anything," I say sarcastically. I stand up and brush the hair from my chest and shoulders and she's staring at me.

"What?" I ask and then tentatively touch my hair. It feels okay, still a little long but not so shabby.

She moves close. Her hand touches my face, her thumb smoothing across my bare cheek and then across my lip and my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest.

"There you are," she says. Her eyes are confident and calm and for the first time all year, there's sincerity in my smile.

The night before the wedding, Alice, Rose and Bella stay out on the cove in the houseboat. We take Jasper into town to have a beer at this crappy bar. The place is a shithole, but they have pool and darts so we keep ourselves occupied.

Jasper's shitfaced and Emmett's hustling at the pool table. He's picking them off, one by one. He's already won two hundred, at least.

"You guys need anything from the bar?" This dude asks us and Emmett throws an arm over his shoulder.

"You good?" Emmett asks and Jasper's signaling for another but I'm motioning to cut him off. Alice specifically ordered me not to let Jasper get too drunk. On a scale of one to puking in the bushes, Jasper's one drink away from singing "Stand by Your Man" on karaoke. He's starting to get handsy.

"How's your sis, man?" the dude asks and now I'm interested. "I haven't seen her in here in a while."

The fact that Bella would be in here at all has got my fingers twitching. Why the hell would Bella be in a place like this? Unless she was with someone. A guy?

As I'm trying to sort this shit out, that motherfucker Jacob and his crew of grease monkey miscreants saunter in. He sees us and smirks, like a fucking smart ass and it hits me. Not just a guy. _This_ fucking guy.

This is the bar. Where he picked her off her barstool, drunk and dejected. This is where I led her. This fucking guy.

My head starts to spin and I know I'm not drunk but I've got tunnel vision. I need some air.

Jasper sways and he's taken a turn towards declarations of man love, so I grab his arm and pull him outside. Emmett's still shooting the shit with bartender guy, but he sees us leaving and cuts the conversation short.

The outside air isn't helping much. I try to inhale but it sticks to my lungs, and I rush to my car. I blast the A.C. and Jasper's laughing in the backseat.

"Dude, your car smells like cheese whiz," he laughs like it's the most hilarious thing on the planet.

"It's traveling stench, probably from you," I mutter. Fuck, I'm sweating. I wipe my nose, my forehead, my lip. Emmett opens the front door and slides into the seat.

"He okay?" he says and motions to the back and I nod. "You okay?"

I look over at him and shrug. It should have been me. At this bar. With Bella. It should have been me, the first to love her. The first to show her.

It might never be me.

The thought is consuming as I drive back to the marina, as I help Jasper into his bed, as I try to fall asleep. The mulligan. I promised her a redo. I'm anxious to make good on my promise.

The next day I'm just following orders, dropping shit off at the cove, setting up chairs and tables. I'm trying to find Bella in all the bustle, but she's helping Alice get ready. And she's got a job to do. She's photographing this thing.

When I finally do get to see her, she's radiant. She glows, her skin warm against her purple dress.

She gives me a kiss on the cheek before heading up to the cliff. Our cliff.

I'm left with my family. Esme's already crying, and my dad keeps pinching his nose, like he's got allergies or something. He clears his throat. I'm sure he expected Alice to ask him to walk her down the "aisle." I'm sure he thought he deserved the honor, seeing as how he's supported her financially all these years.

But Alice wouldn't be so trite. "Jasper's my choice," she had said. "No one's giving me away. I want to walk freely into my future.

She's so fucking whimsical.

He acted like it was no big deal, like this decision was of the utmost ideal. But I'm well acquainted with that look on his face. Disappointment.

Alice hugs her mother and sister and they're all crying. She kisses my dad on the cheek and then her crystal blue eyes are glimmering before me. Shiny, tearful eyes.

"Thank you," she whispers and hugs me tight. There's a golf ball in my throat. I'm a sap, just like the rest of them.

The ceremony only takes minutes and then we're sitting around folding tables, drinking beer and eating hot dogs. Bella's hand's on my leg, and she keeps playfully pulling the hair on my leg with her toes. I draw patterns onto her bare shoulder, occasionally squeezing the back of her neck or digging my fingers into the side of her waist. I can't seem to keep my hands to myself. She doesn't seem to mind.

It's fucking great. It's so fucking perfect. But I can't stop thinking about that rejection letter. _We have chosen not to accept you..._

I'm not good enough. Not good enough for medical school, not good enough for my father.

Not good enough for her.

God, she's beautiful.

I should tell her.

I look over at her and she's laughing at some shit Emmett said. Her lips are wide and her eyes squinty. Half moons. She notices I'm staring and she purses her lips.

"What are you staring at, weirdo?" she asks and I pull her chair closer. I put my mouth just to her ear, my fingers pushing away wisps of her hair and I whisper.

"You're breathtaking."

I hear her inhale, a shaky raspy gasp and I smile against the skin of her neck.

"Really? Do I _take your breath away_…" she sings quietly and I groan. Leave it to her to "Pop Culture" this moment.

The party winds down and soon there's just four of us. I'm buzzed, and Bella and Alice are giggling. Jasper's smoking a cigar, blowing rings into the sticky air.

"It's fucking hot, I'm going swimming." Alice jumps up and strips. Jasper follows her, snuffing out his cigar in the sand and kicking off his shorts. They're splashing each other and groping and before I'm scarred for life, my eyes turn to Bella. I could go for a swim.

A naked swim.

With naked Bella.

I stand and drop my shorts and she's checking out my package. I feel like a king under her scrutiny because her eyes are smoldering.

"Come on, Bella, get naked. Everyone's doing," I say and her hands move to the zipper of her dress. Her fingers won't work so I offer mine. The zipper slides down her back and her dress is gone. My hands roam, her waist, her hips. I kiss her shoulder and then her neck and despite the heat, goosebumps scatter across her skin.

"Last one to the water is a rotten egg," I whisper and I run. She's hot on my heels and then she pushes me into the water. She swims away, her eyes reflecting the large moon with a deviant flicker. I grab for her foot. I actually catch her and now she's shocked. She kicks and screams but she's laughing too, so I pull her close. Where I need her. Where she belongs.

"I got you," I say.

"I let you," she retorts. Of course she did. Bella doesn't do anything she doesn't want to.

"Do I get to touch your boobs now?" I challenge. Her thighs slide against mine, every inch of our skin connects.

"Maybe. You did shave," she says and taps my face.

"Well, I didn't want you to get rabies from any woodland creatures or anything," I joke.

"Yeah, because I do not look pretty frothing at the mouth."

"You look pretty always," I counter. "You always look the same but different, you know? Every year, I expect you to change and every year it's always you."

I place my lips to hers. I mean to be gentle, but once I taste her I can't get enough. Everything hits me at once. Longing, want, jealousy. I'm so pissed Alice stole our cliff. This is our place. We should have claimed it first.

"I don't know what to do with my life, Bella," I choke. "I just feel so hopeless. I've disappointed everyone, I've let them all down. I've let you down and I'm so sorry."

"Edward, stop it!" She shouts, her hands hold my face. "Stop beating yourself up over this. I'm sure it happens to a lot of people. You said it yourself, only two hundred out of four thousand applicants get accepted? That means like, ninety-five percent of the people that apply don't get in. Ninety-five percent. That's a lot of people that are sitting in your shoes right now."

"It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I had a plan, Bella and now it's all shot to shit." I want to cry. I'm going to fucking blubber like a baby.

"Then you make a new plan," she says and I can't look at her anymore. I hold her instead. My head's on her shoulder, my tears disguised by the water dripping from my hair.

Her fingers push mine out of the way on her back. With a pinch and a flick, the bra is gone and it's just skin against skin.

I search her face and she kisses me. Deep, pulling kisses that force my hands up over her chest. Her legs wrap around my waist and everything's buzzing.

We're going to do this. We're really going to fucking do this.

Grinding, and kissing, and groping and fuck, I want her.

Too fast, too fast, too fast!

This isn't right.

But how could this be wrong? Things that are wrong don't feel so good.

No. We should be safer.

"Wait," I stop.

"No, I'm done waiting. We're doing this," she says and her insistence makes my heart huge.

"I don't have anything," I say.

"It's okay, I'm on the pill," she says. Oh, thank God. Those words should be embroidered on a pillow. "Wait. You don't have an STD, do you?"

"No, I do not have an STD," I say. I can't tell if she's kidding.

"Well, shit, how am I supposed to know? You do have a torrid past," she laughs. Yeah, she's not kidding.

"Bella, I've only had sex like five times," I defend. "Hardly torrid."

"Have you been tested?" she asks.

"Actually, yes, I have. When Magic Johnson said he had HIV, I went and got tested. I haven't had sex since." Then I ask, just because I know it'll irritate her. "Have you been tested?"

The look on her face is priceless. "I've only had sex once and they test you for everything when you start birth control."

"Well, shit, how am I supposed to know?" I mock her.

"Well, now you do," she smiles and I'm thinking she's still wearing too many clothes.

"Yep and so do you and now we can enjoy being together and not have to worry." Panties, gone.

"That sounds nice, the enjoying part," she breathes and my hands can't stop touching her. Like a fucking thirteen year old. I know I'm muttering nonsense. I've never been this hungry for anything before.

I slip my hand between her thighs and she pushes her tongue into my mouth and then my fingers are inside her. She whimpers into my mouth and my dick twitches. She pushes my underwear down with her feet and I'm hard against her. Her hands are all over me, pulling and pumping. I want to keep this moment forever.

I don't deserve it.

_Are you sure?_ I want to ask. _There's no going back. This will change us forever, you know._

My fingers tangle in her hair and her eyes are glued to mine. And I get it. This is her mulligan, her do over.

She doesn't hesitate and then we're connected, electrified, and I can't stop looking at her. The curve of her neck. The lines where the sun has kissed her skin.

Her head falls back and I know I'm holding her too tight. She bites her lip and I bury my head in her shoulder. She's rolling her hips, and breathing into my skin. I try to hold back, holy fuck I try because I don't want this to be over.

The sight of her, small whimpers tossed from parted lips, lashes fluttering on rosy cheeks, her heaving chest rising in and out of the water, it's too much. I come inside her, panting and shuddering and disappointed. I've taken more than my share. I should have taken care of her first. I'm such a selfish prick.

But instead of irritation, she's showering me with kisses.

"I'm sorry," I can barely get the words out. "You didn't..."

"No, but I did enjoy it," she says, smiling, her hands in my hair.

"Well, most women don't, you know, climax from intercourse alone," I defend and she laughs. She's fucking laughing at me. "Well, it's true! Most women need some clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. Vaginal orgasm is very rare."

"Okay, Doogie Howser," she teases and I can't believe she laughed at me. "Oh come on, it's okay."

"It usually lasts longer, but I just haven't had sex in a long time," I try to explain but now I just feel pathetic.

"Well, we could practice all summer, if you want," she murmurs against my lips. I give in, and let her kiss me.

"How the hell are we going to get out of here?" I say and she purses her lips. Our underthings are at the bottom of the river.

"You go first," she says and I shake my head. "Come on, please?"

I roll my eyes and we disentangle. I wade to the shore and walk out of the water.

"Wow, look at those tan lines. Nice ass!" She shouts. I roll my eyes and put on my shorts. I grab her dress. I dangle it over the water and she's glaring at me.

"Don't you dare," she growls and I smile.

"What? I was just bringing it over to you. So you wouldn't have to walk so far." I say and she swims over, staying low in the water the whole time.

"Thank you," she says and I'm still holding it up high. "Can I have it?"

"Sure," I grin.

"Edward, give me my dress," she demands and I hold it even higher.

"It's right here, just take it," I try to stay matter-of-fact.

"Fine!" She's fierce, her head high as she stands. The sight of her bare figure, beads of water slipping over her skin and glistening in the moonlight, leaves me shell-shocked. She's changed, no longer the skinny, knobby-kneed girl I once new. She's curves and lines and rises from the river like a fucking goddess or something.

She presses her wet body against my chest and my arms instantly drop so I can touch her. Just as I'm about to slip my hands over her ass, she snatches the dress from my hand.

"That was almost too easy. You could have at least put up a fight."

...

I've had sex with Bella four times since the wedding. Once on the beach, once in the boat and twice in her bedroom. All four times have been rushed, the hurried hands of two horny individuals. It's hot, so incredibly hot, but I want it to be more. I want to give her more.

So when I sneak into her room and she lifts her sheets for me, I don't go in for the kill right away. We're making out, and there's a lot of groping going on, but I won't let her take off my trunks. I can tell she's getting frustrated.

"Everything okay?" she asks me and I nod, unsure about how to go about this. It's not like we haven't talked about it. Bella's got a filthy mouth.

But asking her if I can lick her pussy seems a little pornographic. I guess I still see her as naive. Even though, I know she isn't. I've seen those Cosmos she reads.

Oh shit, I should just do it. If she wants me to stop, she'll let me know.

I don't mean to be arrogant, but once I start, I'm pretty sure she won't want me to stop. I've been complimented on my oral fixation before.

She kisses me again and her hand has breached the waistband of my shorts. She grabs my dick and it takes all my strength to stop her.

"Wait," I whisper and I reach around her to turn on her radio. "I want to try something. Is that okay?"

"Yes." She's barely audible. I push her thin t-shirt up and I bring my mouth to her chest. I slip down her body, lick the lines of her stomach and she's breathing heavily, her hands running through my hair as I continue exploring her shape. Her thighs rub together beneath me and I push my knee between them, my nose nudging the waistband of her undies and she gasps.

"Stop!" she whispers and I look up at her. "You can't do that."

"Why?" I ask her, perplexed. Disappointed. I can smell her and now I'm craving the taste.

"Because..." she trails off. She doesn't have a good excuse. "I don't know. It's embarrassing!"

"What?" I didn't expect this. I mean, I've seen her pee in the bushes. I've seen her fall flat on her ass. This is nothing to be embarrassed about.

"I didn't shave today. And what if it grosses you out? What if I smell?"

"You do smell, and it's driving me crazy," I say and she kicks at me.

"Knock it off." She thinks I'm poking fun at her.

"I'm serious, Bella. Trust me, there's nothing gross about it. It's a total turn-on," I say as I kiss her belly again. "Please?"

I rub between her legs and she's gasping again.

"Okay," she breathes and I slip her panties down her legs. She obviously doesn't read the articles on maintaining pubic hair. It's like a jungle down there.

She rises up on her elbows, a scowl on her face. "Are you laughing?"

"It's just...your...business. It kind of looks like a woodland creature." I can hardly say the words and then she's smacking at my head, a mixture of laughter and scoffing. I grab her wrists, mid swing and hold her to the bed. She's pouting so I kiss her nose.

"You're a complete asshole," she says and I grin.

"I know." I kiss her neck. "Let me apologize."

She's completely still below me as I rub between her legs again, this time my fingers slipping against her warm, wet skin. I push them inside her and I kiss her thighs and they're quivering.

I move my mouth closer and closer before lightly dragging my tongue against the sweet, silky flesh. I hear her gasp and her legs press against my cheeks. She moans into her pillow, writhing against my mouth. I hold her hips in place as her hand comes up to massage her breast. I take my time, focusing on the cues from her body. I can feel her clenching around my fingers and I flick my tongue furiously. Her thighs tighten around my ears. She pulls my hair and jolt up off the bed and I struggle to hold her to my mouth.

"Oh my God," she whispers. "I mean, that was...violent."

I laugh and then she's crawling on top of me. I guess I'm forgiven.

I'm lying in her bed, watching the tattoo on her back rise and fall as she sleeps. I haven't really thought about school. I haven't really thought about anything. I could stay here. I could work here at the marina, a big huge, fuck you to my dad and my mom and their stupid shitty trust fund.

I don't know if Bella really wants that.

I know Bella wants the status quo. And in that status quo, I leave at the end of the summer. I admit, I'm afraid to challenge it.

If she wanted more, she'd let me know.

So what is this? A summer fling? It has to be more. Before this, I'd never even had sex with the same person twice. I'd never had the chance to learn the likes and dislikes, the wants, the desires, what works, what doesn't. I've had sex before, but I've never had this before.

In fact, this is the longest relationship I've ever had.

This scares the shit out of me. This is the most I can have. The closest thing I'll ever be to love and it's just for the fucking summer.

The night before we leave, I wait on the docks for Bella's dad to go to bed so I can climb in her window undetected. After all this, I'm still going back to Seattle tomorrow. She's still going to let me. I'm no closer to her now than I was when I was twelve.

I walk to the store to get a rainbow sherbet push-up. Leah hands me my change and she's chewing a piece of gum.

"What's your problem?" she asks. Concern. This is a rarity.

"I have to leave tomorrow," I mutter.

"Edward, how old are you?" I hate it when people ask questions they know the answers to. "Just humor me, I have a point."

"Twenty-five," I say. For some reason, I think her point is to make me look like an idiot.

"And you can vote, and drink, and drive a car, and pay taxes, like most adults in this country, right?"

"Yeah," I answer warily. Yep, a complete idiot.

"Then why are you still letting others tell you what to do? You're a big boy. You don't _have_ to do anything you don't want to."

"It's not that easy. There are consequences..." I start to defend.

"No shit there are consequences. You should be thinking about which consequences you can you live with. And the ones you can't live without." She flips the sign on the front door and ushers me out so she can close the store.

I sit on the swings and Leah's pearls of wisdom are clogging up my brain. It's muggy as hell and smells like a storm. I'm irritated I have to drive home in bad weather.

So just stay here. My sub-conscious is gnawing at me. He makes a good point.

I try to imagine our life at the river. Maybe her dad would let us stay in one of the units. We could run the marina and we'd have two kids, two little river rats. And Bella could take photographs of them and -

I could be happy with that.

But Bella wouldn't. She already has too many obligations weighing her down. I won't anchor her further. It has to be her decision.

It's clear then. I have to go home so I can come back with the means to offer Bella a choice. Because it's not always about getting what you want. Sometimes it's about providing what they need.

That night, I don't sleep. We don't speak much, just spend the night loving each other. I tell her I have to go back to Seattle and she's indifferent.

"It's okay," she says. "No obligations, no expectations."

I know it's stupid, but this pisses me off. Ask me to stay, I want to scream at her but it's a selfish request. I'd have to say no, not yet. So I just keep drawing on her back until she snuggles into me and then she's out.

I sneak out to get her birthday present from my car. Esme gave me the idea for the books. She bought this photography book for the coffee table in the sitting room. She needed me to pick it up for her at the book store and I found myself leafing through it for at least two hours.

In the morning, Bella wakes with a jolt. She's panicked but then calms when she sees me.

"I thought you were gone," she says.

"Not yet." I grip the books, like parting with them will actually cause me pain. "They're photography books. This guy, Ansel Adams, he took pictures of things in nature, like you do. Mostly in California, Yosemite National Park. But I thought these might be interesting to you. You shouldn't give up on your photography. I saw Alice's pictures. They're amazing."

I offer them to her and I wish she'd look at me.

"I didn't even develop those. She took them to Safeway in Boulder City and had them printed," she rationalizes as the books change hands. It kills me she can't see how gifted she is.

"I know. But it's like you see something right before it happens and you never miss it. You never miss those important moments and most people do. Most people get, like, right before or right after. I don't know how but you just always know right when to push that button." I try to explain but she's mesmerized by her books.

I kiss her forehead and I climb out her window. Back to my unit, back to Seattle and school. Back to trust funds and failure and lowered expectations.

Back to waiting.

...

**A/N:**

Once again, thank you to **lightstardusting**,** htothem/h32mh32m** and **miztrezboo/badjujuboo** for their prereading efforts. Also, no Beta, so beware :)

Team Summerward, you are AMAZINGNESS. Thank you for the opportunity to explore Edward's head a bit. It was a challenge, but so fulfilling.

Thank you, dear, dear readers. For reading. For sweet notes. I'd like to buy you all a Coke, I've had the time of my life, you know, all that jazz. You're special, special people.


End file.
